Snorkel Master

This might be my most funny "small world" encounter since I've been here. I went to a bon voyage party for a friend of mine from upcountry, and sat down next to this guy who looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't place him. I was talking to his girlfriend, she asked me what I did and I told her about massage. At which point this guy's face lit up, and he goes....I knew I'd met you before. You're friends with Brian right? Yes, I am. Yeah...I met you at a bar a looong time ago and I think I have a picture of you in my phone.

Really? Weird. The picture, when he finally "fished" it out, made me cough up my drink.

Good stuff.

Struggling.

I'm starting to wonder how much of this messing around with my lady bits is messing around with my emotions.

I've been feeling.....well, I guess "blue" is the only way to describe it lately. There are a lot of things going that aren't so great lately - the inclement weather, surgery, pain, loss of sleep, upcoming Aunt Flo, not going home for the holidays, stress at work, no biz cards yet, no massage appts., no money, my room is a mess - I'm really having a hard time feeling so morose the last week or so.

Even the last few days some really cool stuff has been happening - totally scored Bradley's Christmas present, and got all my Christmas stuff mailed off in time, planning some fun events the next couple weeks.

But I'm still feeling blue. For me, the biggest problem I have when I'm feeling blue is that I get into my head too much, and I tend to get really preoccupied with how many things aren't perfect in my life. I get down about that fact that it seems like I will always be trying to play catchup with money...that I just barely get ahead of the game, start to save a few pennies, and some new expense knocks me back into struggling. This time it's the medical bills - my job pays for my monthly premium, but the health benefits here don't cover anything, and all these procedures are really starting to add up. And it's so hard to think I actually have to pay to have someone cause me so much pain. And that inevitably leads to me worrying once again about how this surgery will affect my ability to have children. Which inevitably leads to me getting down about the fact that I don't already have children. Which leads me to thinking about whether or not I'm with the man that I want to have children with, which leads me to dwell on all the things that aren't perfect with my relationship. And so on.....and so on....and so on....it's depressing to even think about the things that are depressing me.

There is a part of me that knows that I need to stay busy - that I should pick up my jewelry work again, that I should fire up the sewing machine and start on some projects I've been thinking about for months, and that I should start creating some flyers to get started on marketing myself for massage....all those things that will make me feel productive and useful. But I get home from work, which has been so stressful this week, and all I want to do is grab pizza and ice cream, put my feet up in bed with a good movie, and ignore it all.

I think that I'm a naturally happy person. I can list so very many things to be grateful for in my life. And I suppose that's why it's so hard to be feeling badly. I know how fortunate I am in so many ways that matter.....i get so angry with myself for not being able to pull myself out of the funk.

So....things that I am grateful for:

1. The place I live....Maui is beautiful and I need to reopen my eyes to healing nature of this land, and to reconnect with the reasons I love it here.
2. The home I live in...the ability to walk to the beach every morning and evening and commune with the turtles is magical.
3. Friends here that are supportive and loving. I'm lucky to have found a solid group of people that truly care about each other, that also see the joy in life.
4. My health - I may be struggling in this area right now, both with my weight, and my pre-cancer, but ultimately I'm in relatively good health. I can physically do all the things that I want to do in my life, including diving in the ocean, hiking in the lava rock, riding my scooter, and simply going for a walk.
5. The time that I live in - the fact that I miss my family and friends on the mainland so much is a hard one to deal with daily, but knowing that I can pick up a phone, or turn on the computer is such a comfort and has truly kept me close with those that I love that I can't physically be with.
6. A relationship with mutual love and respect - yes, he's cranky in the morning, and no, he doesn't always instinctively know what I want and need, and yes, we have to work to stay close. But he loves me, and he gives of his time and energy on my behalf with no question and when I do tell him I need something from him, he tries. And we have such a great time together.
7. A steady job. I'm struggling in this area right now, but in this economy, with so many suffering so much worse than I...I can't help but be grateful for a paycheck. I sign off on unemployment claims for our employees every day - so many aren't even making a living wage. So yeah, I'm grateful.
8. Clothes on my back and a roof over my head.

So there....lots of good things to think about. Just writing them down has put me in a better mood. And it's almost the end of the workday...so there's that.

Unprepared for the Worst....

So for those of you following the life of Whitney, you know that yesterday I had the procedure to remove part of my cervix, and you know that I had some anxiety about it. Unfortunately, while it was a relatively fast procedure, we had some complications that I'm hoping don't traumatize me for the rest of my life.

Turns out, I'm really not that susceptible to Novocaine, a trait I share with my mother. The unfortunate part is that I didn't know this until yesterday, in the operating room. Once situated, the doctor gave me three injections of Novocaine, and proceeded to prep the area for slice and dice. Well, I flinched a couple times during the swabbing and prep.

"Can you feel that?" she asks me incredulously.

"Uh, yeah. I feel that every time you go in there. Should I not be feeling that?" I asked worriedly.

"Yeahhh, you definitely shouldn't be feeling any of that right now. Let me give you more Novocaine".

At which point she gives me three more injections. Keep in mind this is a needle she is sticking directly into my cervix. It feels awesome.

Anyway, she then fires up the loop she will use to excise the tissue. It's basically a very fine wire that uses an electrical current to cut away the tissue, and is supposed to cauterize at the same time. At this point, I'm a little......hmm...what's the right word....uneasy? I'm pretty sure that doesn't do it justice. I'm literally sweating, but still trying to focus on relaxing.

They stick a giant pad with some kind of metal in it onto my leg, and hook up some wires to that. This is necessary as a grounding agent, so I don't get electrocuted during the procedure. That was comforting.

The long and short of it is this: she starts her first pass of cutting with the loop, and I start screaming. I'm pretty sure I scared the crap out of the doctor, because all I'm "supposed" to feel for this procedure is a slight tugging, and maybe some internal cramping. This was, however, a searing pain that went straight up through my gut, and made me want to vomit.

Unfortunately, once she started, she couldn't go back and give me more injections. Her only communication: "I need you to breathe, and to not flinch or jump". Riiiiiiiight.

She had to make a total of six passes with the loop, and I felt every single one. The poor nurse was trying to encourage and be helpful...after every pass, she would repeat over and over "almost pau, almost pau"...almost done, almost done. She was a very nice nurse, but I wanted to reach up and yank that mantra right out of her mouth and shove it up her....ahem.

The good thing is that once it was done, it was done. And the doctor completed the six passes very swiftly. I'm hoping with every iota of my being that she got all the abnormal cells, and that I won't have to go through this again, because I don't think I can handle it. She did say that if there is a next time, we'll do it at the hospital where they are better equipped to handle the procedure (i'm hoping that means....knock me right the f*ck out, pardon my french).

So that's the fun story of my supposedly very simple surgery yesterday. I bogarted some vicodin from friends, and have been happily stoned since yesterday afternoon. In the middle of the night, a dose wore off, and the ensuing cramps were unbearable. Thankfully Bradley was there to soothe....and give me more drugs. This morning, it's not so bad, but I took another day off work to keep my feet up, eat comfort food, and watch movies. No one should have their lady bits messed with in such a way. It's just inappropriate.

I have had lots of prayers, thoughts, and support from friends far and near, and I thank each and every one of you for that. One of my favorite cards is from Jace, and I found it waiting in the kitchen for me on one of me breaks from movies and crossword puzzle/sudoku excitement. I'm off to another day filled with frozen pizzas, popcorn, and ice cream.

I'm pretty sure this one didn't come from Hallmark:

Twiddling My Thumbs

I totally had the opportunity to sleep in this morning, and of course I woke up stupid early and couldn't go back to sleep. I had a really good sleep though - I woke up feeling rested at least, and that was surprising. I'm feeling pretty anxious about this procedure this morning, and while i was able to keep the doubt wolves at bay all week, they are now nibbling at my toes and looking at me with a hungry thirst.

I feel pretty comfortably that this is the right course of action, but I do wonder if I am putting my future pregnancies at risk. It reinforced my certainty that I want children, that's for sure. I feel like I'm afraid for my unborns right now, and that's a weird, newly maternal feeling for me. I truly hope this surgery doesn't compromise that.

And oh yeah, it's gonna hurt. Which totally sucks.

I'm also thinking about my dad, who oddly enough goes into surgery today as well - his is more involved, but hopefully it will stay orthoscopic and they won't have to open him up. My mom and dad called me last night just to check in - mom is feeling pretty helpless with me being so far away, and I can honestly say that I am pretty sad right now that she's not here with me. So we had a little prayer over the phone last night, which was a little odd in theory, but didn't lessen the feelings of comfort and positive spirit that I felt from so far over the ocean.

I've also already gotten several text messages from well-wishers, which is so sweet. Tilla gets props for sending the first one at 4:56am. I think people forget sometimes that I am two hours earlier..... but I wouldn't trade those messages for anything.

I think I'll go shower and at least start getting ready to go, just to have something to do. Not too long now, and I'll be under the Loop Electrosurgical Excision Procedure. Lovely.

Tako Diving!

Every time we go out diving, Bradley takes his three-prong spear or his spear gun, looking for fishing bait. That usually comes in the form of tako (octopus), or small eel.

I personally love to go out diving with him - we venture out into waters that I would never attempt on my own, and I have seen things more amazing than I ever imagined. Plus, Bradley is awesome at pointing out fun sights to me - he is able to see things that I can't pick out on the reef - turtles, tako, eels, you name it. He has a sixth sense about finding those things.

Which is great, because it also means he is able to keep me out of danger - if you run into a four foot eel accidentally, that thing just might take a chunk out of you. You have to be aware all the time - which has given me both a greater fear, and a greater appreciation of the ocean and its inhabitants.

Several times, I have seen the fruits of Bradley's tako-hunting labors, but have never seen it in action. Last weekend we went out both on Saturday and Sunday, and I finally got to see my national geographic boyfriend in action. It was sweet. On Saturday, Bradley pointed out several tako to me while we were snorkeling - he showed me what signs to look for on the reef to indicate a tako home, and he basically had me play where's waldo a few times to see if I could spot them. I am pleased to say that I'm finally able to pick them out! Sometimes.

Once he's spotted a hole, Bradley dives down, and pokes around in it with his three-prong. If there is a tako in there, you will all of the sudden see it's eight arms come flying out of there, trying to expel the spear, and protect itself. The first few times he found an occupied hole, the takos were too small for him to take out of the ocean (he is especially careful not to pillage the reef - the state fishing regulations say you shouldn't take out a tako less than one pound, and he adheres to that strictly), but it was fun to watch them fight him off and then swim away so gracefully.

I didn't know this, but octopus have the ability to change their color, which makes them pretty hard to spot sometimes. They can totally blend into the reef. But when Bradley starts to poke around in the hole, those things turned a deep red-brown. I'm pretty sure that color is saying to us....."back off, I'm pissed, and this is my home you're messing with". It's pretty intimidating to me, but Bradley's been doing this awhile, and it doesn't phase him.

Anyhoo....Sunday we went back out again, and this time found a good enough sized tako for him to spear and use for bait. It was crazy! He poked around the hole, and all of the sudden these tentacles come out that are twice the size of any of the tako I've seen so far - yikes! B got him on the spear enough to pull him out of the hole, and try to bag him, but it was quite a feat to watch. You basically have to get the fishing bag over his head, and then try to grab the head through the bag while you remove the spear. The trick is....this whole time....that sucker is fighting for his life, and he's fighting with all eight of his arms grabbing onto anything he can, he is spitting ink like crazy, and he is no doubt getting that beak ready to bite. You really can't hesitate....

I am basically floating there trying to stay out of the way while Bradley wrestles this thing....i swear, it's like watchin Man vs. Wild. There is something unbelievably sexy about knowing that my man can not only protect me out there, but that if this recession thing keeps getting worse....he can provide for us by living off the "fatta da land".

Drumroll please.................

Bradley's Tako

Thanksgiving

I can't believe that Thanksgiving was already a week ago, how crazy!

This year was a little harder to building up to Thanksgiving. Last year, I just didn't recognize the day at all. I was on my own without many friends yet, and was able to basically ignore the fact that it was a holiday and that I wasn't spending it with my family. But this year, we had a big Thanksgiving dinner planned at Jason's house with the whole nine yards - several turkeys, lots of people, and tons of food - something that is normally defined by being with my family. So the anticipating sadness was a little greater.

Luckily, I was able to spend time on the phone with some family prior to our big dinner, and then, as it usually does...the evening just went by in a flash. It was filled with delicious dishes - each one made "the way my mom makes it" - and it ended up being such a special day shared with wonderful people. I am so grateful that I am really feeling like this is my home. I mean, don't get me wrong, mom and dad's house will always be "home", but this place - Kihei, Maui - I have really made my own in every sense. I feel very blessed that I have found wonderful people to depend on and serve here. I especially feel lucky that I have found a few choice women that are so special to me. I know that no one will ever measure up to my women at home - there is no such thing as a replacement for my girls, and I miss them with every bone in my body. I wish every day that I could have them here with me. But I am also so grateful that I live in a time where we can stay so close even though there is a physical distance between us.

And of course, I am grateful to have a special man in my life. There was such a long period of time that I was just "dating". I had a great time, and I was with a lot of different, interesting, good men, but I have always wanted to be married and to have a permanent someone. I am so much happier in a relationship - I don't miss being at the bars, or scoping out guys, wondering about each one I talk to...I don't miss being single. Granted, being in a relationship is not always easy, but I am truly grateful for all the love and support I receive from Bradley. I am so much happier knowing that I have someone - to laugh with, to support, to decompress from the day, to explore, to play with. And he's a whole other person that I get to know intimately - it seems like the biggest gift to give someone - to truly share yourself with them. No one knows me in the way that he does, and I get to be a part of him in a way that no one else is. It has been a very long time since I've felt that.

As I get older, I think I am more and more aware of the temporal nature of our lives. Anyone who has experienced the death of a loved one.....well I hate to say it, but I guess I do live in a little bit of fear that those I love will be taken from me. I don't mean to say that I am fretting all the time, but only that it impressed upon me the fleeting nature of life. That there are no assurances that the people you love will be there tomorrow, and that it is imperative that they know here and now how much I love them, and am grateful for their part in my life. Especially as we continue to grow older, and the toll of nature becomes much more insistent and frequent.

I am happy. There is a lot on the horizon of this life, and I don't intend to waste it.

And that is what I gave thanks for this past holiday.

Oh, and also that my mom spent so much time on the phone with me detailing out the recipes for her Magic Cookie Bars, and her Candied Yams. They turned out perfectly, and were a huge hit with everyone at dinner. So yummy.

Hammock Time

We finally got one, and I love it. This is me, sitting out in the rain on Saturday morning. Come to think of it, I suppose that might be why I'm totally sick now. Lame.

But worth it.

Scared Straight

I consider myself a very careful scooter driver. As a matter of fact, sometimes I think I've turned into a bit of a curmudgeon with how cautious I am riding around town. I've never been all that comfortable riding in the bike lane even though it's totally legal, and law enforcement actually encourages scooters and mopeds to use it. It's always just seemed too dangerous to me. I get some pretty goofy looks at times when I'm sitting in standstill traffic on South Kihei Road, while my fellow scooterists go whizzing past me in the bike lane.

Well, on Tuesday I was totally vindicated when I witnessed a pretty brutal scooter/vehicle collision right in front of me.

I was waiting behind an old VW van at an intersection when the light turned green. The VW in front of me was taking a bit of time to get going, so the gal in the oncoming turn lane decided she was going to gun it to make her left hand turn in front of him. At the same time, from somewhere behind me, a dude on a scooter was cruising in the bike lane, saw the light turn green from about half a block back, and accelerated. He couldn't see that there was another car in the intersection about to make a turn right in front of him - the van was blocking that view, and by the time he saw that car turning, it was too late, and he plowed right into the side of it in the middle of the intersection, going about 30 mph.

I swear, that moped basically exploded. The dude riding it went over the back side of the car it hit, and he landed on the other side. Somehow, he was able to get up and actually wheel what was left of his scooter off to the side of the road. That guy was so unbelievably lucky to walk away from that. Two seriously stupid people in my opinion - both of whom were lucky that no one was killed.

That accident has stayed with me. There are two reason that watching that kind of trauma affects me so deeply - one is the same reason that anyone is affected I think. It's just unnatural. Watching vehicles collide just goes against the order of things - it's not supposed to happen. The other reason of course is that anytime I see even the most minute collision, I think of Tyler, and I think of how very precious life is. I had an immediate mental and physical reaction that basically actualizes itself as a giant flash in my head: who is going to die right now? Whose family is going to be left without a loved one? Whose lives will forever be changed by this miniscule moment of time, this split second error in judgement?

I'm not a stupid driver, but I can't control other stupid drivers (I have a feeling that my mom and dad told me that at one point or another). And that's why I don't ride in the bike lane for the sake of shaving a few minutes off my travel time.

My New Card

Check it out!

This is my new calling/business card. I'm not ready to actually have a conceptual card yet - you know, one that encapsulates what I'm all about as a therpist (i'm still figuring that one out). But I really needed something to hand to people when they asked for my number. Plus, the owners of a yoga studio, and a chiropracter's office both offered to put my card in their shops. It's good to have clients with their own businesses. :)

Camping Fun

We hit up Lahaina this past weekend to camp on the beach. Ended up with about 20 people, a nice bonfire, some fishin, and some divin. Bradley and Justin caught two tako on their first dive. It was awesome. I live in an awesome place. And I'm surrounded by a really neat group of people - I think I've found the Maui equivalent of my friends on the mainland. Everyone is happy, appreciative of our place in this life, and there is no drama. I love it.



I'm getting to know Carrie and Justin better, and I'm really happy about that. They are good people.

Carrie in the foreground, Jason in the back.

Nicole, Candace, and Michelle frolicking in the twilight.

Justin and Carrie waking up.

I'm not sure Carrie is convinced that's it's time to get up yet. They were nice and sheltered from the West Side winds though.

Nicole and Jake weren't so lucky. They're tent suffered irreparable damage. Yikes.

Touch

I am still struck often and intensely by the power of touch.

Sometimes it is very difficult to remove my emotional response to people from my treatment. I see this as both a gift and sometimes a curse. This past Monday I treated a new client (referral from the yoga studio, cool!), and while she has a lot of health problems, her reason for coming to me was to help her with some chronic pain she's been having in her neck and shoulders. She has suffered from Fibromyalgia for years, and she now has this mysterious eczema on her hands. Sound like anyone you know? (mom).

I usually start each session with some light touch on the back - it helps to balance, and to get the client used to my touch. It's kind of an introduction. As I started the session with her, and I laid my hands on her back in two correlating shakra areas, I was absolutely overwhelmed with emotion. I felt an empathy for her pain, a connection, and a true desire - a need - to help. I sincerely had to fight back tears. It's hard sometimes to put my finger on why these things happen - maybe this was the earth and the cosmos's way of putting me in a place of healing. Perhaps it was her body/spirit telling me what I needed to do for her. Or perhaps I missed my mother, and it was the personal connection I needed to empathize with this woman's pain.

Whatever the reason, I know it is why I became a massage therapist, and I truly hope that I never lose that ability to connect with individuals. It opens my eyes to the beauty in each person, and puts me in such a wonderful place.

I am so grateful.

Lady Bits Update

Just wanted to give a quick update on my biopsy. Turns out I have moderate to severe cell displaysia in several areas (basically abnormal, pre-cancerous cells on my cervix). Last time I went through the biopsy procedure, the results came back with very mild displaysia, and I had the option for treatment, or to wait and see if it would resolve itself. I chose the latter, and unfortunately it has continued to get worse.

So, I have a strong recommendation from my doctor for aggressive treatment, which in this case means surgically removing a small portion of my cervix. It's a very simple procedure, called LEEP. If you want details, just let me know.....I figure some of you might not want that much information. Here is a link about the LEEP procedure if you're so inclined to read up on it: http://womenshealth.about.com/cs/surgery/a/leepprocedure.htm

Surgery is scheduled for December 2nd (ug), and it's outpatient, so I won't have to stay in the hospital or anything (yay!). I should only be out of work for one day (dang!), but it will actually take 2-3 weeks to heal (ug).

I don't want to freak anyone out - to clarify, displaysia does not mean cancer. It is a precancerous cell, but with treatment, there is little risk of them ever developing into cancer. We've caught it really early, and that's great news. It's still a little scary, so prayers are welcome!

Just when you thought you were safe.....

THIS CRAWLS OUT OF THE DRAIN AS YOU STEP INTO THE SHOWER.

Man, that was effed up. Totally inappropriate at 6am.

Girly Biopsies Suck.

I tell ya, I don't remember it hurting as badly as it did this time.

For any who I haven't mentioned this to...I had another irregular exam, and had to get another biopsy of my cervix this month. The procedure was yesterday, and while I've had this done before, I honestly don't remember it being so flipping painful. I was already freaked out because the last time I had this done, I actually watched the whole thing on a monitor. It was totally interesting, and rather fascinating, and it didn't bother me at all at the time, but since then, I've had this terrible fear of going to the OB/GYN. I just can't relax, I keep replaying my cervix being ripped apart, and those already invasive exams feel even more terrible because I'm so nervous.

So my word of advice - if you ever have the opportunity to watch your medical procedure...just say no.

As some of you may know, there is no anesthesia for this biopsy, local or otherwise. They basically just stick a little metal claw in there and pinch out a piece of your cervix about the size of a pinhead. It's not fun. Thankfully, this time they only had to biopsy from three locations. Last time, it was six. Of course this time, she was having hard time stopping the bleeding, so she kept having to go back in, clean up my poor raw cervix (which made me almost vomit), and apply pressure and some clotting agent. It was about ten minutes long, but I was sweating it big time.

I was lucky enough to have Jasmine there with me - a relatively new friend, but she's been through this before as well, and she works around the corner from the hospital and offered to come hold my hand. It made me feel a little like a child, but I was glad she was there. She was cracking jokes, so I was thankfully laughing/crying through it all. And she did hold my (sweaty) hand.

Unfortunately, I've been cramping and achy since then, which I don't remember from last time either. Last night it was pretty bad, but Bradley came over, and even helped me out with some energy work to soothe it a bit. I was surprised and very grateful for his willingness. Plus he brought ice cream, and took care of whatever I needed while I just laid in bed watching 1 hour dramas. :o) Boys can be awesome sometimes.

I find out the results in a couple weeks.

No pictures for this post. :)

Hana Trip

Beautiful Wainapanapa

Wanted to post a couple pics from the latest Hana trip over the weekend. It was a great time, though we ran into a bunch of road blocks. I think we set our expectations a little too high for this one.

We left at 10:30pm on Friday night, drove out to Wainapanapa (Hana side), and hiked out on the lava cliffs to a fishing site that Bradley likes. I've been there before, but never hiked it at night. Yikes! After getting just a teeeeny bit lost, we got back on track and made it to camp to set up for the night.

Campsite

My bed

Bradley's bed

I was a little tired, so I took a breather in my bed - aka my beach chair - for a bit while Bradley got the poles set up, and fished for bait.

Bradley reeling in and checking bait @ the top pole.

This went on for a few hours until sunrise, and then I joined in and fished a bit too - caught a couple, but nothing edible, and not good bait. Really pretty fish though! The excitement came around 9am....I was getting ready to put a hook on my pole, Bradley was up top putting new tako (octopus) bait on one of the big poles, when the other big pole next to me started "screaming". That's essentially the noise you hear when something big is on the line, and is swimming for its life. The pole bell started clanging, and the line started whizzing out like crazy. Bradley yelled at me to hold the pole down before the fish pulled it over the cliff, so I managed to keep it steady until he could get over to me, and then he started to reel it in. It was REALLY exciting. Turns out that it wasn't an Ulua or an Umilu, but rather a 7 foot long tiger shark. !!!!

Luckily it wasn't totally hooked, and after some fighting, it managed to let go of the hook. Otherwise, Bradley would have had to cut the line eventually, and lost everything, "hook, line, and sinker". (Now you know where that phrase comes from).


Anyway, that got the heart pumping big time. We fished for a few more hours, and then packed up and hiked back to the car to go set up camp at Kipahulu, where everyone else was going to meet us. We planned to go night diving Saturday for lobster, but we were way too tired. We BBQ-d some dogs, and enjoyed hanging with everyone for a while, and then crashed. Unfortunately, I managed to find the one spot in my tent with a big ole root right in the middle of my back - no sleeping for me!!

Twilight at Kipahulu

Next day we packed up the tents and hiked to the pools, but they were closed due to flash flood warning. Lame! So we drove up to Himoa beach, hoping for some snorkeling, but no such luck. The water was just too rough. Bradley and I stopped a couple more places looking for good snorkeling/diving, but it was too rough and murky. So we headed back home, stopping along the way to pick guavas and avocados.

We were foiled in most of our big plans for the weekend, but it was still an awesome weekend. You can't beat the beauty of Hana.

Needless to say, we hit the hay pretty early that night...

Pictures below:

The view from camp...you don't want to fall in.

Below: Tobbies, special Ninja Turtle shoes.

Tako (octopus) that Bradley caught in Kihei.

More Tako.

It rains without warning, and you run for cover.

But it's still beautiful!

For those that worry.

Here is a picture of me with my helmet. I really do wear one.

New specs

Here they are. Picture is kinda fuzzy, it's from the phone. Anyway, they're kinda stripey fun.

Just a Quick Update

...I realize that the blog is a great way to get out there what I'm thinking on a semi-regular basis, but I also realize there are some major holes in the story line of my life. I also realize that, as per usual, my most emotional posts tend to be when I'm hurting. No apologies there, I think that tends to be the time when we reach out to each other the most - that's when we need each other. And I also know that I always feel better once I've been able to write things down - to make sense of the chaotic emotions encased in my head.

So anyway, I do want to mention that after B-man totally bailed on date night last week, he seemed to try to make it up to me over the weekend - Sunday wasn't the only night he made an effort on my behalf. He came out with me and my friends on Friday night as well, and was affectionate, engaged, and seemed more like the B-man that I care for. I'm not sure if he sensed that I am starting to pull away, or what really instigated the effort on his part, but he was the picture of a perfect boyfriend over the weekend. We then also got to spend some time together on Monday night - had a fun time peeling and cracking open a coconut (my first time!), and he has actually said that he is coming to Hana with me this weekend.

So...for now, I'm taking it for what it is, and enjoying his company. My heart has certainly withdrawn, and it would take a lot for me to feel like I could trust in this relationship for the long-term, so for now it's just a day at a time. For some odd reason (perhaps because I know that I am not going to live here forever, and don't want to raise my children here), I'm totally okay with that. I'm happy to have a companion, and I appreciate so much in him - I think we will just enjoy each other, and take what each other has to offer while the gettings good.

I truly believe we met for a reason - I've learned so much about myself already. The end of October marks six months since we met. I'm not sure I've ever been involved in such a tumultuous relationship, but I think it's building character. You know, putting hair on my chest.

Here are some pics from the coconut adventure on Monday night.

Did It Again

Heh heh heh. Had a really great weekend - lots of fun stuff going on, and this weekend will probably be the same! It started Friday, with the Erin Smith/Paula Fuga concert. That was incredible, as to be expected. We had an awesome group of people there, started with a BBQ at Todd's house, and danced the night away at Mulligan's. It was great!

Saturday was a much more mellow day - spent some time by the pool, and napping. Then a small group of us hopped in the back of Jace's truck and hit the road to town to go see the Duchess. Definitely an unexpected movie - the trailers were a little deceptive, but it was still a well done movie.

Sunday was up and at em relatively early, headed to town on my scooter for the first time. It was a smooth ride, very easy, and I made it all the way to the Harley store to buy my new helmet (see previous post)(pictures coming soon).

Headed home and chilled out for a while, and then we all trekked up to Mulligan's again for another session with the Ryan Robinson Band! It was even more fun this time....some of the people there knew who I was at this point, and they all got amped for my song - the dance floor was packed and people were screaming like crazy. It was so much fun. I hope that we can work up a couple more songs to do in the future - I have a really good time singing with them. I think Nicole got pictures on her camera - I'll see what I can find and post em up.

And Bradley actually busted up to Mulligan's after work to come see me sing, which was nice. Regardless of what's going on with us in the long-term, it was really comforting to have him there, and he was tres supportive, and actually seemed kind of proud, which was cute. Didn't get home and in bed until past 1:30am, and had to get up at 6am to come manage the restaurant, so I'm dragging a bit today, but it was worth it! I just hope they start playing some Saturday nights in the future. :o)

This weekend, I think we're going camping in Hana. yeaaaaah!

Brain Bucket, Skid Lid, The Helm

I did it, finally got myself a helmet. (whoa, I think it just heard a collective sigh of relief from the mainlaind).

It's a pretty cool little half-dome black shiny helmet. I dig it. It might change my whole perspective on what I'm going to do with my hair in the future. Helmet hair is no good, so I can't survive the "in between" phases of my hair. it's either gonna have to be long, or short....

oh the hard decisions in life.

i'll post pictures in my getup soon!

Magical

I saw my first moonbow last night, and it was gorgeous. I wish that I had had my camera with me - it was a full perfect white ring around the moon. I felt.....well, I guess hopeful is the only word that really suits. I'm not sure why....but it was definitely hopeful.

It's shaping up to be a fun weekend - going to the Erin Smith concert tonight at Mulligan's. Tomorrow going to see The Duchess with Nicole, and Sunday possibly going to dinner in Paia. I'm a little sad that I don't have any massage scheduled for this weekend, but that means that I get to spend some time by the pool or maybe even snorkeling. Also might be singing with Ryan Robinson Band on Sunday too!! Should be a good one!

Disappointed once again by the Brad-man. He didn't do anything to make sure that date night happened this week, so I haven't seen him since Sunday, and I don't anticipate seeing him until Monday at the earliest. I've found that I've lowered my expectations of him to a point where my heart is starting to withdraw, and I feel like it might be the beginning of the end for us.

Come to think of it, I suppose that's why the moonbow felt hopeful for me. I've been feeling a constant, low-grade sadness tugging at my heart this past week - I suppose because I miss seeing Bradley, and because he hasn't made the effort he said he would - and I've found myself going over a break-up conversation in my head. Like it's inevitable. I don't think he and I have the same idea of what a relationship means. Which sucks.

We'll see what happens....only time will tell, and it all happens for a reason....

Thighs of Rage

My legs are a-BURNIN this morning. For some reason I thought it would be a good idea to go meet Bradley on the point of Black Sands at 11:30pm Saturday for some night fishing. He had been out there all day, but I wanted to go to the Maui County Fair - pretty fun, mostly just great fair food to eat abundantly - so I decided to hike out and meet him later. It was quite an adventure.

First of all - Black Sands is a public park, and it closes at sunset, so I was dropped off at the road outside, and had to hike into the beach by myself in the middle of the night. Scaaaary. Bradley met me at the beach, and then we hiked the lava rock out to the point. It's really only about half a mile, but it's hairy. And I'm almost glad that I did it in the dark first because if I had been able to see the hazards on the outskirts of my head lamp...I might have freaked out. There is a lot of climbing, loose lava rock, caves, sheer drops, and slippery valleys. It was nuts. But the reward was exceptional - out on that point there is an unfettered view of the sky, and the stars were so breathtaking.

I didn't really sleep much - Bradley and I took turns sleeping in the cot and my beach chair, maybe an hour or two at a time. Not comfortable at all, but still an incredible experience. Because there are caves and hollows in the lava rock, there is an incredible effect with the ebb and flow of the ocean....as the water crashes in and out, the lava rock breathes. The sound is sometimes hollow, sometimes groaning, and even whistling. It's actually very soothing, and really makes you realize that you're surrounded by life.

Didn't catch any fish on this trip either (well, excepting bait fish, and those don't count).

In the early morning hours, I spent a LOT time watching big crabs scurry along the rocks, and playing in the tide pools. The hike back was actually a little harder in the daylight - I helped carry out some of the fishing gear, so I only had one hand to steady myself. Plus the 9am Maui sun is pretty intense, so it was a sweaty hike back. Luckily, Bradley has an extra pair of Tubbies - they are these split toe shoes that are great for fishing in Maui - they are a lifesaver on lava rock. You can't feel any of the sharp edges, and the bottoms are usually this really thick compressed felt, so they grip, even in slippery situations. Plus the split toe helps to keep you from rolling your ankles, which happens all the time on that rocky terrain. I don't think I would have made it without them (and I'm also grateful for my giant feet that allowed me to fit into an old pair of Bradley's).

The hike in and out, the lack of sleep, and the sleeping in a chair left me pretty sore and tired - I was useless yesterday. And my thighs are hurting more today than yesterday. I gotta start using my foam roller, but I'm scared about how much it's going to hurt. I'm feeling old.

Oh yeah, and I got cable on Saturday, so now I'm (unfortunately) keyed into all my old shows that I used to love. I lasted six months with no TV!! Good news is that I hate commercials SO much now that I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be able to stand watching it too much. We'll see. Law & Order is calling...

I'm Four Seasons Pregnant!

That title was just a check to see if my mom was reading this blog. :)

So, the Four Seasons was recently sued by a massage client who was very pregnant - after the massage she ended up with complications in her pregnancy. I'm not sure if there was actual malpractice involved on the part of the therapist, but it doesn't take much to hold them accountable. That's why we have insurance.

John, the head of my massage school, asked me the other day if I would give him permission to pass along my final presentation from class. The paper I wrote was on Pregnancy and Massage. The reason he was asking me - apparently he is good friends with the person who heads up the spa at the Four Season, and he felt that my paper was a very thorough presentation of the contraindications, positioning, and care for practicing pregnancy massage.

There is a chance that my paper will be the new guide for the therapists at the Four Seasons on massage for their pregnant clients! Totally cool.

Holy Voting Deadline!

Um...it completely slipped my mind that I needed to register to vote in Hawaii still. Luckily, my registration has to be postmarked by Monday, so I made it. I can't imagine the concept of not voting for this election. Shnikes!!!

Thanks Megan for posting this video.

Sweater-ific.

I put on a sweater this morning. And a whole bunch of the regulars I see running along S. Kihei Road were wearing sweaters too. I think that's the first time since I've been working at Mala that I've put on a sweater in the morning. Granted, I'm going to work ass-early in the morning these days, but still....it's momentous.

Bi-what?

I went to the eye doctor on Thursday with the express purpose of getting new glasses. Really for no other reason than I am an accessory whore, and insurance covers them, so I figured I may as well.

After a rather long an laborious exam, and then another exam of my existing glasses, the doctor let me know that my distance prescription is now a little too strong for me, and that I need closeup glasses too.

WTF?!

Apparently in the last couple years, my distance vision has actually improved, and now my closeup vision is going down the tubes. Now, I've never had a terribly strong prescription - a little astigmatism in one eye, and a little fuzzines in the other. But for her to tell me that I now need reading glasses, and that I really don't the distance glasses except at night....well, folks, it just felt like the beginning of the end for me.

Apparently 30 is the age at which life begins to send you small reminders that you're not going to live forever, and that you should probably start taking care of your body.

Granted, it's not that bad right now, but essentially that doctor just painted a picture of future bifocals action for me. Lovely!

I still satisfied my accessory feening, and found a cute pair of reading glasses. I'll put up pictures when I get 'em.

I Lettered in Massage.

Got my license number in the mail yesterday. I'm so excited, but the letter is totally nondescript and boring - I believe it was actually printed on a dot matrix printer.

I wonder if I paid a couple extra bucks I could have gotten the version that came with fanfare?

It's still awesome. I'm MAT 10971 baby.

On the Plus Side...

...I haven't eaten barely anything in the last three days, so maybe this will kickstart some weight loss.

On another note...I've been looking up information on lost sleep, and pretty much everyone agrees that you can't make up for lost sleep. If you lose some sleep one night, then the next night your body might try to regain homeostasis by sleeping deeper, and perhaps longer, but studies have shown that with repeated loss of sleep....the body stops trying to compensate. And then your IQ diminshes, along with reason, and certain functions of your cognitive, cardiovascular, immune, and endocrine systems.

Which means, when you lose sleep, you become irrational, emotional, and stupid.

Guess what - this applies to both men and women.

Comforting.

Life in Paradise...is still Life.

And heartache is still heartache. Why is it so difficult to relate to another human being? And how is possible that a person (me) can go from feeling so happy to so overwrought in less than a heartbeat? Why do other people have the ability to affect me in that way? Do I expect too much? Do I give too much? Too little? Should I spend time alone to figure it out? Should I try to make myself understood? Is it worth the effort?

On the one hand I wish I wasn't affected so deeply, but on the other hand I know fully with intense pain comes that intense joy. And I suppose all you can do is hope that the joy outweighs the pain.

Just don't ask me that question right now.

I spend a lot of time and energy trying to understand my partners - to know what makes them who they are, to understand their history, to know how to best comfort and soothe, to feel what they feel. Can it ever work long term with someone who doesn't approach me in the same manner?

I am so adamantly against the stereotypical roles of man and woman - I know there are men in this world who are emotionally evolved, and who approach a relationship with a desire to understand their partner. Just as I know there are women in this world who would rather check that level of intimacy at the door. I am not that woman...and I want that man.

What I wonder is how I could love a man who doesn't want to understand me. And how could he profess to love me...without understanding me?

How could we enjoy each other religiously, share so much, our deepest secrets in fact.....and still not be communicating?

Why do I feel like it is my job to fix it? Why does my stomach hurt? I know I have the strength to make it right for myself, but doesn't he know how little it would take to save me? From pain, from turmoil, from myself?

I am a pragmatic romantic. If that makes sense.

It's been so very long since I have been in love....did I forget about this part of it? Or is this relationship really not good for me? Do I need to be more patient? With him? With myself?

Love in paradise....is still love. Only now I don't have my girls with me to share a bottle of wine and bitch about it.

I gotta find myself a therapist. And start working out again. And get back into my jewelry.

I really need a nap.

I Need to be Kinder to Stupid People...

So I feel pretty comfortable that as a part of my desire to understand my fellow human being, I am continuing to grow as an individual. The thing I need to now focus on is ensuring that I'm being understanding to ALL my fellow humans, and not just the ones that I deem worthy enough to warrant my good graces.

This morning, I happened into a Starbucks and ordered a breakfast sandwich (side note: I've been "off" my good eating habits the last two weeks, and starting over on Monday. i'm sure there will be a post about my disappointment there). The name of the sandwich is a Turkey Pesto Melt. I don't know if the girl was new or what, but she asked what I thought was a kind of dumb question. Here is how the conversation went:

Starbucks Gal: What can I get for you this morning?

Me: I'd like a Turkey Pesto Melt please.

SG: Would you like that heated up?

(pause)

Me: Isn't that the way it's served?

SG: Well it can be a cold sandwich as well.

Me: Ah, I've never had it that way. "Melt" kind of indicates it's heated, yeah?

SG: (chuckles nervously). Yeah..

Me: (wonders why I didn't just say...."yes".)


So....I find it interesting that with friends and loved ones I am forgiving of these kinds of small stupidities (I suppose because I trust they will forgive me mine), and yet I felt the need to elevate myself to the woman who got me a sandwich.

Are you kidding me?

I know I'm not like that all the time, but I left feeling disappointed in myself. Don't get me wrong...stupid people/questions will probably irritate me until the end of my days, but I certainly don't need to be calling it out.

It's time to expand my area of zen to those outside my circle of trust.