Life in Paradise...is still Life.

And heartache is still heartache. Why is it so difficult to relate to another human being? And how is possible that a person (me) can go from feeling so happy to so overwrought in less than a heartbeat? Why do other people have the ability to affect me in that way? Do I expect too much? Do I give too much? Too little? Should I spend time alone to figure it out? Should I try to make myself understood? Is it worth the effort?

On the one hand I wish I wasn't affected so deeply, but on the other hand I know fully with intense pain comes that intense joy. And I suppose all you can do is hope that the joy outweighs the pain.

Just don't ask me that question right now.

I spend a lot of time and energy trying to understand my partners - to know what makes them who they are, to understand their history, to know how to best comfort and soothe, to feel what they feel. Can it ever work long term with someone who doesn't approach me in the same manner?

I am so adamantly against the stereotypical roles of man and woman - I know there are men in this world who are emotionally evolved, and who approach a relationship with a desire to understand their partner. Just as I know there are women in this world who would rather check that level of intimacy at the door. I am not that woman...and I want that man.

What I wonder is how I could love a man who doesn't want to understand me. And how could he profess to love me...without understanding me?

How could we enjoy each other religiously, share so much, our deepest secrets in fact.....and still not be communicating?

Why do I feel like it is my job to fix it? Why does my stomach hurt? I know I have the strength to make it right for myself, but doesn't he know how little it would take to save me? From pain, from turmoil, from myself?

I am a pragmatic romantic. If that makes sense.

It's been so very long since I have been in love....did I forget about this part of it? Or is this relationship really not good for me? Do I need to be more patient? With him? With myself?

Love in paradise....is still love. Only now I don't have my girls with me to share a bottle of wine and bitch about it.

I gotta find myself a therapist. And start working out again. And get back into my jewelry.

I really need a nap.