Struggling.

I'm starting to wonder how much of this messing around with my lady bits is messing around with my emotions.

I've been feeling.....well, I guess "blue" is the only way to describe it lately. There are a lot of things going that aren't so great lately - the inclement weather, surgery, pain, loss of sleep, upcoming Aunt Flo, not going home for the holidays, stress at work, no biz cards yet, no massage appts., no money, my room is a mess - I'm really having a hard time feeling so morose the last week or so.

Even the last few days some really cool stuff has been happening - totally scored Bradley's Christmas present, and got all my Christmas stuff mailed off in time, planning some fun events the next couple weeks.

But I'm still feeling blue. For me, the biggest problem I have when I'm feeling blue is that I get into my head too much, and I tend to get really preoccupied with how many things aren't perfect in my life. I get down about that fact that it seems like I will always be trying to play catchup with money...that I just barely get ahead of the game, start to save a few pennies, and some new expense knocks me back into struggling. This time it's the medical bills - my job pays for my monthly premium, but the health benefits here don't cover anything, and all these procedures are really starting to add up. And it's so hard to think I actually have to pay to have someone cause me so much pain. And that inevitably leads to me worrying once again about how this surgery will affect my ability to have children. Which inevitably leads to me getting down about the fact that I don't already have children. Which leads me to thinking about whether or not I'm with the man that I want to have children with, which leads me to dwell on all the things that aren't perfect with my relationship. And so on.....and so on....and so on....it's depressing to even think about the things that are depressing me.

There is a part of me that knows that I need to stay busy - that I should pick up my jewelry work again, that I should fire up the sewing machine and start on some projects I've been thinking about for months, and that I should start creating some flyers to get started on marketing myself for massage....all those things that will make me feel productive and useful. But I get home from work, which has been so stressful this week, and all I want to do is grab pizza and ice cream, put my feet up in bed with a good movie, and ignore it all.

I think that I'm a naturally happy person. I can list so very many things to be grateful for in my life. And I suppose that's why it's so hard to be feeling badly. I know how fortunate I am in so many ways that matter.....i get so angry with myself for not being able to pull myself out of the funk.

So....things that I am grateful for:

1. The place I live....Maui is beautiful and I need to reopen my eyes to healing nature of this land, and to reconnect with the reasons I love it here.
2. The home I live in...the ability to walk to the beach every morning and evening and commune with the turtles is magical.
3. Friends here that are supportive and loving. I'm lucky to have found a solid group of people that truly care about each other, that also see the joy in life.
4. My health - I may be struggling in this area right now, both with my weight, and my pre-cancer, but ultimately I'm in relatively good health. I can physically do all the things that I want to do in my life, including diving in the ocean, hiking in the lava rock, riding my scooter, and simply going for a walk.
5. The time that I live in - the fact that I miss my family and friends on the mainland so much is a hard one to deal with daily, but knowing that I can pick up a phone, or turn on the computer is such a comfort and has truly kept me close with those that I love that I can't physically be with.
6. A relationship with mutual love and respect - yes, he's cranky in the morning, and no, he doesn't always instinctively know what I want and need, and yes, we have to work to stay close. But he loves me, and he gives of his time and energy on my behalf with no question and when I do tell him I need something from him, he tries. And we have such a great time together.
7. A steady job. I'm struggling in this area right now, but in this economy, with so many suffering so much worse than I...I can't help but be grateful for a paycheck. I sign off on unemployment claims for our employees every day - so many aren't even making a living wage. So yeah, I'm grateful.
8. Clothes on my back and a roof over my head.

So there....lots of good things to think about. Just writing them down has put me in a better mood. And it's almost the end of the workday...so there's that.