Snorkel Master

This might be my most funny "small world" encounter since I've been here. I went to a bon voyage party for a friend of mine from upcountry, and sat down next to this guy who looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't place him. I was talking to his girlfriend, she asked me what I did and I told her about massage. At which point this guy's face lit up, and he goes....I knew I'd met you before. You're friends with Brian right? Yes, I am. Yeah...I met you at a bar a looong time ago and I think I have a picture of you in my phone.

Really? Weird. The picture, when he finally "fished" it out, made me cough up my drink.

Good stuff.

Struggling.

I'm starting to wonder how much of this messing around with my lady bits is messing around with my emotions.

I've been feeling.....well, I guess "blue" is the only way to describe it lately. There are a lot of things going that aren't so great lately - the inclement weather, surgery, pain, loss of sleep, upcoming Aunt Flo, not going home for the holidays, stress at work, no biz cards yet, no massage appts., no money, my room is a mess - I'm really having a hard time feeling so morose the last week or so.

Even the last few days some really cool stuff has been happening - totally scored Bradley's Christmas present, and got all my Christmas stuff mailed off in time, planning some fun events the next couple weeks.

But I'm still feeling blue. For me, the biggest problem I have when I'm feeling blue is that I get into my head too much, and I tend to get really preoccupied with how many things aren't perfect in my life. I get down about that fact that it seems like I will always be trying to play catchup with money...that I just barely get ahead of the game, start to save a few pennies, and some new expense knocks me back into struggling. This time it's the medical bills - my job pays for my monthly premium, but the health benefits here don't cover anything, and all these procedures are really starting to add up. And it's so hard to think I actually have to pay to have someone cause me so much pain. And that inevitably leads to me worrying once again about how this surgery will affect my ability to have children. Which inevitably leads to me getting down about the fact that I don't already have children. Which leads me to thinking about whether or not I'm with the man that I want to have children with, which leads me to dwell on all the things that aren't perfect with my relationship. And so on.....and so on....and so on....it's depressing to even think about the things that are depressing me.

There is a part of me that knows that I need to stay busy - that I should pick up my jewelry work again, that I should fire up the sewing machine and start on some projects I've been thinking about for months, and that I should start creating some flyers to get started on marketing myself for massage....all those things that will make me feel productive and useful. But I get home from work, which has been so stressful this week, and all I want to do is grab pizza and ice cream, put my feet up in bed with a good movie, and ignore it all.

I think that I'm a naturally happy person. I can list so very many things to be grateful for in my life. And I suppose that's why it's so hard to be feeling badly. I know how fortunate I am in so many ways that matter.....i get so angry with myself for not being able to pull myself out of the funk.

So....things that I am grateful for:

1. The place I live....Maui is beautiful and I need to reopen my eyes to healing nature of this land, and to reconnect with the reasons I love it here.
2. The home I live in...the ability to walk to the beach every morning and evening and commune with the turtles is magical.
3. Friends here that are supportive and loving. I'm lucky to have found a solid group of people that truly care about each other, that also see the joy in life.
4. My health - I may be struggling in this area right now, both with my weight, and my pre-cancer, but ultimately I'm in relatively good health. I can physically do all the things that I want to do in my life, including diving in the ocean, hiking in the lava rock, riding my scooter, and simply going for a walk.
5. The time that I live in - the fact that I miss my family and friends on the mainland so much is a hard one to deal with daily, but knowing that I can pick up a phone, or turn on the computer is such a comfort and has truly kept me close with those that I love that I can't physically be with.
6. A relationship with mutual love and respect - yes, he's cranky in the morning, and no, he doesn't always instinctively know what I want and need, and yes, we have to work to stay close. But he loves me, and he gives of his time and energy on my behalf with no question and when I do tell him I need something from him, he tries. And we have such a great time together.
7. A steady job. I'm struggling in this area right now, but in this economy, with so many suffering so much worse than I...I can't help but be grateful for a paycheck. I sign off on unemployment claims for our employees every day - so many aren't even making a living wage. So yeah, I'm grateful.
8. Clothes on my back and a roof over my head.

So there....lots of good things to think about. Just writing them down has put me in a better mood. And it's almost the end of the workday...so there's that.

Unprepared for the Worst....

So for those of you following the life of Whitney, you know that yesterday I had the procedure to remove part of my cervix, and you know that I had some anxiety about it. Unfortunately, while it was a relatively fast procedure, we had some complications that I'm hoping don't traumatize me for the rest of my life.

Turns out, I'm really not that susceptible to Novocaine, a trait I share with my mother. The unfortunate part is that I didn't know this until yesterday, in the operating room. Once situated, the doctor gave me three injections of Novocaine, and proceeded to prep the area for slice and dice. Well, I flinched a couple times during the swabbing and prep.

"Can you feel that?" she asks me incredulously.

"Uh, yeah. I feel that every time you go in there. Should I not be feeling that?" I asked worriedly.

"Yeahhh, you definitely shouldn't be feeling any of that right now. Let me give you more Novocaine".

At which point she gives me three more injections. Keep in mind this is a needle she is sticking directly into my cervix. It feels awesome.

Anyway, she then fires up the loop she will use to excise the tissue. It's basically a very fine wire that uses an electrical current to cut away the tissue, and is supposed to cauterize at the same time. At this point, I'm a little......hmm...what's the right word....uneasy? I'm pretty sure that doesn't do it justice. I'm literally sweating, but still trying to focus on relaxing.

They stick a giant pad with some kind of metal in it onto my leg, and hook up some wires to that. This is necessary as a grounding agent, so I don't get electrocuted during the procedure. That was comforting.

The long and short of it is this: she starts her first pass of cutting with the loop, and I start screaming. I'm pretty sure I scared the crap out of the doctor, because all I'm "supposed" to feel for this procedure is a slight tugging, and maybe some internal cramping. This was, however, a searing pain that went straight up through my gut, and made me want to vomit.

Unfortunately, once she started, she couldn't go back and give me more injections. Her only communication: "I need you to breathe, and to not flinch or jump". Riiiiiiiight.

She had to make a total of six passes with the loop, and I felt every single one. The poor nurse was trying to encourage and be helpful...after every pass, she would repeat over and over "almost pau, almost pau"...almost done, almost done. She was a very nice nurse, but I wanted to reach up and yank that mantra right out of her mouth and shove it up her....ahem.

The good thing is that once it was done, it was done. And the doctor completed the six passes very swiftly. I'm hoping with every iota of my being that she got all the abnormal cells, and that I won't have to go through this again, because I don't think I can handle it. She did say that if there is a next time, we'll do it at the hospital where they are better equipped to handle the procedure (i'm hoping that means....knock me right the f*ck out, pardon my french).

So that's the fun story of my supposedly very simple surgery yesterday. I bogarted some vicodin from friends, and have been happily stoned since yesterday afternoon. In the middle of the night, a dose wore off, and the ensuing cramps were unbearable. Thankfully Bradley was there to soothe....and give me more drugs. This morning, it's not so bad, but I took another day off work to keep my feet up, eat comfort food, and watch movies. No one should have their lady bits messed with in such a way. It's just inappropriate.

I have had lots of prayers, thoughts, and support from friends far and near, and I thank each and every one of you for that. One of my favorite cards is from Jace, and I found it waiting in the kitchen for me on one of me breaks from movies and crossword puzzle/sudoku excitement. I'm off to another day filled with frozen pizzas, popcorn, and ice cream.

I'm pretty sure this one didn't come from Hallmark:

Twiddling My Thumbs

I totally had the opportunity to sleep in this morning, and of course I woke up stupid early and couldn't go back to sleep. I had a really good sleep though - I woke up feeling rested at least, and that was surprising. I'm feeling pretty anxious about this procedure this morning, and while i was able to keep the doubt wolves at bay all week, they are now nibbling at my toes and looking at me with a hungry thirst.

I feel pretty comfortably that this is the right course of action, but I do wonder if I am putting my future pregnancies at risk. It reinforced my certainty that I want children, that's for sure. I feel like I'm afraid for my unborns right now, and that's a weird, newly maternal feeling for me. I truly hope this surgery doesn't compromise that.

And oh yeah, it's gonna hurt. Which totally sucks.

I'm also thinking about my dad, who oddly enough goes into surgery today as well - his is more involved, but hopefully it will stay orthoscopic and they won't have to open him up. My mom and dad called me last night just to check in - mom is feeling pretty helpless with me being so far away, and I can honestly say that I am pretty sad right now that she's not here with me. So we had a little prayer over the phone last night, which was a little odd in theory, but didn't lessen the feelings of comfort and positive spirit that I felt from so far over the ocean.

I've also already gotten several text messages from well-wishers, which is so sweet. Tilla gets props for sending the first one at 4:56am. I think people forget sometimes that I am two hours earlier..... but I wouldn't trade those messages for anything.

I think I'll go shower and at least start getting ready to go, just to have something to do. Not too long now, and I'll be under the Loop Electrosurgical Excision Procedure. Lovely.

Tako Diving!

Every time we go out diving, Bradley takes his three-prong spear or his spear gun, looking for fishing bait. That usually comes in the form of tako (octopus), or small eel.

I personally love to go out diving with him - we venture out into waters that I would never attempt on my own, and I have seen things more amazing than I ever imagined. Plus, Bradley is awesome at pointing out fun sights to me - he is able to see things that I can't pick out on the reef - turtles, tako, eels, you name it. He has a sixth sense about finding those things.

Which is great, because it also means he is able to keep me out of danger - if you run into a four foot eel accidentally, that thing just might take a chunk out of you. You have to be aware all the time - which has given me both a greater fear, and a greater appreciation of the ocean and its inhabitants.

Several times, I have seen the fruits of Bradley's tako-hunting labors, but have never seen it in action. Last weekend we went out both on Saturday and Sunday, and I finally got to see my national geographic boyfriend in action. It was sweet. On Saturday, Bradley pointed out several tako to me while we were snorkeling - he showed me what signs to look for on the reef to indicate a tako home, and he basically had me play where's waldo a few times to see if I could spot them. I am pleased to say that I'm finally able to pick them out! Sometimes.

Once he's spotted a hole, Bradley dives down, and pokes around in it with his three-prong. If there is a tako in there, you will all of the sudden see it's eight arms come flying out of there, trying to expel the spear, and protect itself. The first few times he found an occupied hole, the takos were too small for him to take out of the ocean (he is especially careful not to pillage the reef - the state fishing regulations say you shouldn't take out a tako less than one pound, and he adheres to that strictly), but it was fun to watch them fight him off and then swim away so gracefully.

I didn't know this, but octopus have the ability to change their color, which makes them pretty hard to spot sometimes. They can totally blend into the reef. But when Bradley starts to poke around in the hole, those things turned a deep red-brown. I'm pretty sure that color is saying to us....."back off, I'm pissed, and this is my home you're messing with". It's pretty intimidating to me, but Bradley's been doing this awhile, and it doesn't phase him.

Anyhoo....Sunday we went back out again, and this time found a good enough sized tako for him to spear and use for bait. It was crazy! He poked around the hole, and all of the sudden these tentacles come out that are twice the size of any of the tako I've seen so far - yikes! B got him on the spear enough to pull him out of the hole, and try to bag him, but it was quite a feat to watch. You basically have to get the fishing bag over his head, and then try to grab the head through the bag while you remove the spear. The trick is....this whole time....that sucker is fighting for his life, and he's fighting with all eight of his arms grabbing onto anything he can, he is spitting ink like crazy, and he is no doubt getting that beak ready to bite. You really can't hesitate....

I am basically floating there trying to stay out of the way while Bradley wrestles this thing....i swear, it's like watchin Man vs. Wild. There is something unbelievably sexy about knowing that my man can not only protect me out there, but that if this recession thing keeps getting worse....he can provide for us by living off the "fatta da land".

Drumroll please.................

Bradley's Tako

Thanksgiving

I can't believe that Thanksgiving was already a week ago, how crazy!

This year was a little harder to building up to Thanksgiving. Last year, I just didn't recognize the day at all. I was on my own without many friends yet, and was able to basically ignore the fact that it was a holiday and that I wasn't spending it with my family. But this year, we had a big Thanksgiving dinner planned at Jason's house with the whole nine yards - several turkeys, lots of people, and tons of food - something that is normally defined by being with my family. So the anticipating sadness was a little greater.

Luckily, I was able to spend time on the phone with some family prior to our big dinner, and then, as it usually does...the evening just went by in a flash. It was filled with delicious dishes - each one made "the way my mom makes it" - and it ended up being such a special day shared with wonderful people. I am so grateful that I am really feeling like this is my home. I mean, don't get me wrong, mom and dad's house will always be "home", but this place - Kihei, Maui - I have really made my own in every sense. I feel very blessed that I have found wonderful people to depend on and serve here. I especially feel lucky that I have found a few choice women that are so special to me. I know that no one will ever measure up to my women at home - there is no such thing as a replacement for my girls, and I miss them with every bone in my body. I wish every day that I could have them here with me. But I am also so grateful that I live in a time where we can stay so close even though there is a physical distance between us.

And of course, I am grateful to have a special man in my life. There was such a long period of time that I was just "dating". I had a great time, and I was with a lot of different, interesting, good men, but I have always wanted to be married and to have a permanent someone. I am so much happier in a relationship - I don't miss being at the bars, or scoping out guys, wondering about each one I talk to...I don't miss being single. Granted, being in a relationship is not always easy, but I am truly grateful for all the love and support I receive from Bradley. I am so much happier knowing that I have someone - to laugh with, to support, to decompress from the day, to explore, to play with. And he's a whole other person that I get to know intimately - it seems like the biggest gift to give someone - to truly share yourself with them. No one knows me in the way that he does, and I get to be a part of him in a way that no one else is. It has been a very long time since I've felt that.

As I get older, I think I am more and more aware of the temporal nature of our lives. Anyone who has experienced the death of a loved one.....well I hate to say it, but I guess I do live in a little bit of fear that those I love will be taken from me. I don't mean to say that I am fretting all the time, but only that it impressed upon me the fleeting nature of life. That there are no assurances that the people you love will be there tomorrow, and that it is imperative that they know here and now how much I love them, and am grateful for their part in my life. Especially as we continue to grow older, and the toll of nature becomes much more insistent and frequent.

I am happy. There is a lot on the horizon of this life, and I don't intend to waste it.

And that is what I gave thanks for this past holiday.

Oh, and also that my mom spent so much time on the phone with me detailing out the recipes for her Magic Cookie Bars, and her Candied Yams. They turned out perfectly, and were a huge hit with everyone at dinner. So yummy.