I Have to Start Working, but....

I'm putting this up as a reminder to wrtite about Italian lessons, and the weather on Sunday for the marathon.

Try, Try Again

Lots of reasons (excuses), but I've put weight back on. After a series of events over the past several months (not sleeping well, lack of flexibility, problems with my lady bits, general feeling of unhealthiness), I decided it's time to get healthy (again).

I have some body issues (duh). I know that I've always been that way, but I've always done pretty well at burying it deep down, and not letting it totally rule my life. But sometimes it rears it's ugly head. Especially right now, at my heaviest weight ever, and in a place where you can't hide it under sweats and fleece without fear of heat stroke. I've been feeling pretty down about it.

I made some good efforts a couple months ago - did trial memberships at the two different gyms here in Kihei, and made a decision on which one to join. And then I had surgery, and then I got busy, and then...and then.... (NO AND THEN).

So Wednesday, I joined the gym. And my goal is to go five days a week.

An old college friend put a picture up from when I was about 19, my junior year in college. I was so slender. I honestly don't remember ever being that slim - all I remember is always feeling like I was "the big one". I look at that girl, at that healthy beautiful body, and wonder what in the world totally effed up my perception so significantly. I remember always feeling fat.

So...on to a new approach. No food denials to start.....just changes in the way I eat. I can eat what I want, but smaller portions, more regular meals, and grocery shopping. Eating out only allowed once a week. Also....any gym time is good. No more copping out because I can't go for an hour. The gym is 3 minutes from my house - if I can put in even 15 minutes, I must. I'm hoping those two changes will help me at least sleep better, and start fitting in my clothes better. I'll keep that up for two months, and see where I am.

I shouldn't kid myself - I'm not so evolved that I'm indifferent to my actual weight. I hope to lose 15-20 pounds in that two months. But I'm not going to freak out about it. I'm trying to shift my focus to long term results. Spending the money on the gym is a big sacrifice with my tight budget, so I'm committed.

Bradley is super supportive - he usually brings dessert for us after he gets off work. This time he showed up with fruit bars - no fat, no sugar, real fruit. Good boy.

Oh, and I totally refused the frickin sweet Jack in the Box deal last night - Jumbo Jack, two Tacos, and Fries for $2.99???? That's just ri-goddamn-diculous. Jazzy was seriously pushing me to go with her last night, and I completely refused. So proud of myself.

It's a good start.

Where is the World Do I Start? Part Deux

Crap, now a whole 'nother weekend has gone by and I feel even further behind! So I think I left off around Christmas, which means the next big event was....

A. New Years Eve

Wow, what an amazing bunch of feelings that all come bubbling up from THAT day. My initial plan was for myself and Megan to stay pretty open to anything that night - no one in my circle of friends had made advanced plans of what to do (which isn't that abnormal), but we had all had some kind of conversation about where we would all end up. Beach party...backyard party...Mulligan's retaurant....all fine and dandy, and it didn't really matter as long as we were all hanging together, so no one was really aggro about it at all.

Then, work happened.

For the several weeks prior to NYE, I had gotten more and more involved in helping to plan an event at Mala. One of our owners, Shep Gordon (agent to Alice Cooper, and otherwise ridiculously rich and connected in the music and Hollywood scene), usually has a big NYE party at his home with all his rich homeboys. This year, since he has this beautiful restaurant, he decided to have the event here at Mala. And without warning my role here suddenly changed to include Event Planner. In case i haven't mentioned it before, the employment environment here on Maui is significantly different than that of the Silicon Valley. Normally, when your role changes in the corporate world, you go through some meetings, maybe a couple more meetings, maybe an interview, a new job offer, new salary discussions, official offer acceptance, job code reassignment, and possible new team, new cubicle, etc., etc. Here, not so much. I pretty much just started getting directives from Shep about what I needed to do for his party, and that was that.

I won't complain (much)...this guy is unbelievable powerful, and very influential in this community as well as in the music industry, and without question he entrusted me with a lot in terms of getting this event taken care of. It was fairly flattering. And I was privvy to some very...ahem....interesting email exchanges with some big celebrities. Which, being an actor at heart, was quite titillating for me. I ended up writing cue cards for Tom Arnold, arranging a pre-ordered lei for Helen Hunt, and getting Carlos Santana through security.

Originally I wasn't supposed to be at the actual event, but as the day loomed closer, it became very apparent that I needed to be there. I did, however, negotiate that if I had to be there, they would comp Bradley and Megan, since I had previous plans to enjoy NYE with them. The evening of the event actually went pretty smoothly, albeit a 16 hour day for me, and I got to meet and take care of some famous people (Santana being my favorite). It was an amazing night of music as well - some real legends and some newbies (Mick Fleetwood, Alice Cooper, Rick Vito, Michael Bolton(?), Nickelback, Santana) all on stage together, singing amazing versions of blues songs. It was a night to remember. (also in attendance: Helen Hunt, Owen Wilson, Kocho, and some sheik that rang up a $15K tab. nice.)

But I was ready to leave and hang with my friends. So after that, we all went home and changed and met up with some of my favorite people at another Halama St. house, hit the ice louge, and hung out for a bit.

The unfortunate result of this event was that the billing wasn't done well. I had an idea of how it should have been done, but my GM overrode me, and we went with his method. His method sucked donkey balls. And I have since been cleaning up from that mess. I was supposed to be taking a day and a half off after NYE to spend with Megan, and instead spent it all at work, trying to reconcile the books from that night.

B. The rest of Megan's trip

I was finally able to spend some quality time with Megs over the weekend before she left, which I'm really grateful for. We spent a lot of time out with my friends, which was a blast. Everyone loved her of course, and it was a nice affirmation of how lucky I am to be surrounded by so many awesome people in my life. Way too much drinking, and not enough sleep, that's for sure, but it was all time well spent. :)


I think that brings me current from the holidays....I guess it wasn't that much more, though I'm sure I'm missing something. On to other musings.....

***(I have pictures to post, but I'm getting errors right now. Will try again later!)***

Where in the World Do I Start?

It's been a while, and I'm not sure where to start on the bloggage. I made it through the holidays relatively unscathed, and I'm getting REALLY REALLY REALLY excited to come to the mainland to visit family and friends. It's been a busy week already, and I'll be home two weeks from tomorrow!! I have several stories from the past few weeks, and I only have 45 minutes before my accounting lady comes in and I need to focus on work, so here's my best attempt to share some things that matter to me:

1. Ailene's Visit.

I finally got to meet Iris, Ailene's beautiful little angel, when they came to visit Maui a couple weeks ago. It was so very nice to spend a little time with Ailene - I hadn't seen her in at least a couple years, and it was nice to renew a little of that friendship. I hope to stay in better touch with her - she's an amazing woman that I have always respected and admired, and reconnecting with her now, in such a different phase in both of our lives, was a real gift. She is a beautiful woman with an amazing attitude towards motherhood. Little Iris is a sweet and smiley little girl with her mother's bright blue eyes, and Ailene is a real natural with her. I wish that we could have spent a little more time together, but I don't have a car, and so I couldn't head upcountry on a whim. Dumb.

Unfortunately, no pictures from our visit - I think that Ailene took a couple, hopefully she'll send those along to me.

2. Christmas Eve

We had a little Christmas Eve party at my house, which turned out to be not so little, and we had a great time. Jake really went above and beyond in getting the house ready (especially in Nicole's absence), bringing over decorations, lights, and even a pre-decorated Christmas Tree. It was incredible, and really made it feel like a holiday around the house. It turned out to be a really nice time with good friends.

Jason and Rachel, a Hallmark moment.

Carrie and Justin

Jason and Me

Jason and Pool Santa

Bradley and I ended up exchanging gifts that night because we both couldn't wait it out. We both had some fun little stocking stuffers for each other, and we had started a little earlier in thee evening - letting each other open one of the stocking stuffers. As the evening progressed, however, we ended up totally caving and opening everything, which still cracks me up. I was excited/nervous for our first Christmas together, but was so touched and pleased with all the little thoughtful gifts he gave me. One of my stocking stuffers were some specially made massage table face cradle covers, which he knew I had been wanting. There were a few more little items, some of which I won't share here, but all pertaining to things I love, and little special references to things that are special to us together. The last thing I opened was very obviously a jewelry box, which I opened with some major trepidation. Jewelry? On our first gift exchange? Bold, Bradley, bold. I opened the box to a very beautiful pair of silver turtle earrings with blue opal inlays on the shells. I have a mild obsession with turtles, so it was very sweet. I don't think I would ever have picked out those particular earrings if I saw them, but I didn't take them off for three days straight - it was a very sweet and touching present, and he was obviously put some thought into it. So awesome.

I got Bradley a bunch of little things for his stocking, including a dive flag, and a sweet tako sticker for his car (which he has already put on his window much to my satisfaction), some of his favorite snacks, and of course as is tradition in my family - a bunch of totally unnecessary candy. Tradition is tradition baby. His main gift, I was totally excited to give him - he has been needing a dive float for a while now - he keeps going out with an old bleach bottle, which really doesn't cut it, and actually isn't totally legal - and he's been lamenting that he needed something better. The dive float he wants, and would work the best, is $100 at the dive shop, and it's just ridiculous to spend that much. But lo and behold, a float just like that one appeared on craigslist about two weeks before Christmas, so I was able to get a great deal on it, so I snagged it for him. The look on his face was priceless, and I will keep it with me always. He's been using it regularly, and that makes me so happy!

So we had a very successful Christmas together. It's been a long time since I've spent a Christmas with a boyfriend, and I forgot about that initial worry - what is he going to get me? what should i get him? is it going to be an even exchange? what if mine is more extravagant or thoughtful? what if, heaven forbid, HIS is? yadda yadda yadda. I can tell you now that we had a perfect Christmas, and after all is said and done, I ended up spending the whole day with him (after work, blecch), and that was the most important part to me. I know it sounds a little weird, but now that we have that out of the way, I think we can move on to giving only creative gifts, and not spending money on each other.

Christmas Eve is also the day that I opened my box from home, which had both wonderful and sad feelings attached. My mother always puts a lot of fun things in our stockings, and it was hard not being home to go through our normal motions of Christmas morning. I wish that I could have been home to give my folks a huge hug when I opened that box - the primary thing being this silly fish that I fell in love with years ago (which of course my mother remembered), and is now the centerpiece of conversation at my house. It's so funny - people either absolutely love it, or think it's the most assinine thing in the world.

This fish is the coolest thing in the entire world. Why? I don't know. Does it matter?

I really missed my family on Christmas - especially waking up early with Elissa and heading downstairs to a stocking full of fun trinkets that mom had been collecting over the year. I opened my stocking with Bradley there, and I think he's finally starting to understand the weirdness that is my family. :)

3. Christmas.

I had to work on Christmas. Then I talked to my family on the phone for a long time. I was a little sad afterward, so I basically spent the rest of the day with Bradley, totally ignoring the fact that it was Christmas. It actually worked out pretty well. I wasn't too sad at all - felt a little sad the next day that Christmas had passed as a kind of non-event, but it really wasn't too bad. I had to work the 26th too, so I kept busy. Working through the holidays is a new concept for me - one that didn't bother me too much because there was a little added bonus of making money.

4. Megan's Visit

I had been looking forward to this little cookie coming to visit for a while. I was totally stoked that she was coming for the holiday too, since I wasn't able to head home to the Bay Area. I was trying to count and I think we've spent the last 7 or 8 NYE holidays together. I'm getting a little nostalgic right now actually - I can't remember what year it was that I met Megan, but this girl is a soul sister for life. It's amazing to me the relationship we have - we are very different people, and yet so similar in our likes and dislikes and approach to so many things that when I'm with her I feel like I'm hanging out with myself. It's really weird actually - I definitely make the time to call her, but I don't feel like I have to work at staying connected with her. I think that there is a really natural comfort with her, but I think it also comes with the trust that I have in her. I can't help but sit here and think about the fact that one night while she was here, I was getting ready for bed, and we ended up having a stupid text message volley back and forth with Will Ferell movie quotes for almost a half hour, basically 20 feet from each other. I love that girl. We were the best roommates ever, and I will forever treasure the time we have been able to spend together. I miss her already, but I get to see her, and the rest of my important people in just two short weeks!

I think I'm gonna have to fill in on New Year's Eve and the last week in another post. I've wasted a lot of work time, and my fingers are getting tired. Stay tuned for a follow-up. :)

Snorkel Master

This might be my most funny "small world" encounter since I've been here. I went to a bon voyage party for a friend of mine from upcountry, and sat down next to this guy who looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't place him. I was talking to his girlfriend, she asked me what I did and I told her about massage. At which point this guy's face lit up, and he goes....I knew I'd met you before. You're friends with Brian right? Yes, I am. Yeah...I met you at a bar a looong time ago and I think I have a picture of you in my phone.

Really? Weird. The picture, when he finally "fished" it out, made me cough up my drink.

Good stuff.

Struggling.

I'm starting to wonder how much of this messing around with my lady bits is messing around with my emotions.

I've been feeling.....well, I guess "blue" is the only way to describe it lately. There are a lot of things going that aren't so great lately - the inclement weather, surgery, pain, loss of sleep, upcoming Aunt Flo, not going home for the holidays, stress at work, no biz cards yet, no massage appts., no money, my room is a mess - I'm really having a hard time feeling so morose the last week or so.

Even the last few days some really cool stuff has been happening - totally scored Bradley's Christmas present, and got all my Christmas stuff mailed off in time, planning some fun events the next couple weeks.

But I'm still feeling blue. For me, the biggest problem I have when I'm feeling blue is that I get into my head too much, and I tend to get really preoccupied with how many things aren't perfect in my life. I get down about that fact that it seems like I will always be trying to play catchup with money...that I just barely get ahead of the game, start to save a few pennies, and some new expense knocks me back into struggling. This time it's the medical bills - my job pays for my monthly premium, but the health benefits here don't cover anything, and all these procedures are really starting to add up. And it's so hard to think I actually have to pay to have someone cause me so much pain. And that inevitably leads to me worrying once again about how this surgery will affect my ability to have children. Which inevitably leads to me getting down about the fact that I don't already have children. Which leads me to thinking about whether or not I'm with the man that I want to have children with, which leads me to dwell on all the things that aren't perfect with my relationship. And so on.....and so on....and so on....it's depressing to even think about the things that are depressing me.

There is a part of me that knows that I need to stay busy - that I should pick up my jewelry work again, that I should fire up the sewing machine and start on some projects I've been thinking about for months, and that I should start creating some flyers to get started on marketing myself for massage....all those things that will make me feel productive and useful. But I get home from work, which has been so stressful this week, and all I want to do is grab pizza and ice cream, put my feet up in bed with a good movie, and ignore it all.

I think that I'm a naturally happy person. I can list so very many things to be grateful for in my life. And I suppose that's why it's so hard to be feeling badly. I know how fortunate I am in so many ways that matter.....i get so angry with myself for not being able to pull myself out of the funk.

So....things that I am grateful for:

1. The place I live....Maui is beautiful and I need to reopen my eyes to healing nature of this land, and to reconnect with the reasons I love it here.
2. The home I live in...the ability to walk to the beach every morning and evening and commune with the turtles is magical.
3. Friends here that are supportive and loving. I'm lucky to have found a solid group of people that truly care about each other, that also see the joy in life.
4. My health - I may be struggling in this area right now, both with my weight, and my pre-cancer, but ultimately I'm in relatively good health. I can physically do all the things that I want to do in my life, including diving in the ocean, hiking in the lava rock, riding my scooter, and simply going for a walk.
5. The time that I live in - the fact that I miss my family and friends on the mainland so much is a hard one to deal with daily, but knowing that I can pick up a phone, or turn on the computer is such a comfort and has truly kept me close with those that I love that I can't physically be with.
6. A relationship with mutual love and respect - yes, he's cranky in the morning, and no, he doesn't always instinctively know what I want and need, and yes, we have to work to stay close. But he loves me, and he gives of his time and energy on my behalf with no question and when I do tell him I need something from him, he tries. And we have such a great time together.
7. A steady job. I'm struggling in this area right now, but in this economy, with so many suffering so much worse than I...I can't help but be grateful for a paycheck. I sign off on unemployment claims for our employees every day - so many aren't even making a living wage. So yeah, I'm grateful.
8. Clothes on my back and a roof over my head.

So there....lots of good things to think about. Just writing them down has put me in a better mood. And it's almost the end of the workday...so there's that.

Unprepared for the Worst....

So for those of you following the life of Whitney, you know that yesterday I had the procedure to remove part of my cervix, and you know that I had some anxiety about it. Unfortunately, while it was a relatively fast procedure, we had some complications that I'm hoping don't traumatize me for the rest of my life.

Turns out, I'm really not that susceptible to Novocaine, a trait I share with my mother. The unfortunate part is that I didn't know this until yesterday, in the operating room. Once situated, the doctor gave me three injections of Novocaine, and proceeded to prep the area for slice and dice. Well, I flinched a couple times during the swabbing and prep.

"Can you feel that?" she asks me incredulously.

"Uh, yeah. I feel that every time you go in there. Should I not be feeling that?" I asked worriedly.

"Yeahhh, you definitely shouldn't be feeling any of that right now. Let me give you more Novocaine".

At which point she gives me three more injections. Keep in mind this is a needle she is sticking directly into my cervix. It feels awesome.

Anyway, she then fires up the loop she will use to excise the tissue. It's basically a very fine wire that uses an electrical current to cut away the tissue, and is supposed to cauterize at the same time. At this point, I'm a little......hmm...what's the right word....uneasy? I'm pretty sure that doesn't do it justice. I'm literally sweating, but still trying to focus on relaxing.

They stick a giant pad with some kind of metal in it onto my leg, and hook up some wires to that. This is necessary as a grounding agent, so I don't get electrocuted during the procedure. That was comforting.

The long and short of it is this: she starts her first pass of cutting with the loop, and I start screaming. I'm pretty sure I scared the crap out of the doctor, because all I'm "supposed" to feel for this procedure is a slight tugging, and maybe some internal cramping. This was, however, a searing pain that went straight up through my gut, and made me want to vomit.

Unfortunately, once she started, she couldn't go back and give me more injections. Her only communication: "I need you to breathe, and to not flinch or jump". Riiiiiiiight.

She had to make a total of six passes with the loop, and I felt every single one. The poor nurse was trying to encourage and be helpful...after every pass, she would repeat over and over "almost pau, almost pau"...almost done, almost done. She was a very nice nurse, but I wanted to reach up and yank that mantra right out of her mouth and shove it up her....ahem.

The good thing is that once it was done, it was done. And the doctor completed the six passes very swiftly. I'm hoping with every iota of my being that she got all the abnormal cells, and that I won't have to go through this again, because I don't think I can handle it. She did say that if there is a next time, we'll do it at the hospital where they are better equipped to handle the procedure (i'm hoping that means....knock me right the f*ck out, pardon my french).

So that's the fun story of my supposedly very simple surgery yesterday. I bogarted some vicodin from friends, and have been happily stoned since yesterday afternoon. In the middle of the night, a dose wore off, and the ensuing cramps were unbearable. Thankfully Bradley was there to soothe....and give me more drugs. This morning, it's not so bad, but I took another day off work to keep my feet up, eat comfort food, and watch movies. No one should have their lady bits messed with in such a way. It's just inappropriate.

I have had lots of prayers, thoughts, and support from friends far and near, and I thank each and every one of you for that. One of my favorite cards is from Jace, and I found it waiting in the kitchen for me on one of me breaks from movies and crossword puzzle/sudoku excitement. I'm off to another day filled with frozen pizzas, popcorn, and ice cream.

I'm pretty sure this one didn't come from Hallmark: