Trying to Recover

It's been a bit of a roller coaster this past weekend and through today so far. Lots of ups and downs, and I'm not "handling it very well", as my good friend Rachel Green would say.

Starting with Saturday, I woke up to a very grumpy Bradley, who was not at all pleased to be waking up early. More and more lately he has been inconsolably grumpy in the mornings, and it was starting to take it's toll on me. I get so upset when he is grumpy, and I'm trying hard not to take it personally, but it really does affect my mood and my ability to interact with him. Then I get mad - I just get so frustrated when my questions and offers to help are greeted with gruff one word answers. So Saturday I had no patience for his grumpiness, and kind of snapped at him. I was very happy to head out and meet up with Carrie for an adventure.

We had an AMAZING trip up to Kapalua Adventures to do the zip line. It was such an awesome experience, and I'm glad that I got to do that with Carrie (for really cheap!). We had a blast hanging out together as we usually do. Plus it was just so nice to get out of town, change of scenery. We started with breakfast in the Cafe there, and that was superb! Then we got geared up and headed up the mountain to the zip line course. It was totally exhilerating and magical, in some places soaring 300ft above bamboo forests. It made me feel like I might be more able to skydive. Maybe. After the zip line tour, we headed to Lahaina for lunch at Mala Ocean Tavern. That was lovely! I wished that I could have just kept hanging out with Carrie all day, we were having such a great time together.

Instead I went up to Bradley's and hung out with him for a little bit at his house before heading home to meet up with Justin. He was at my house building me a bed frame!! I couldn't believe the time and care he had put into it - I had told him I needed to comission one earlier last week, and here he was almost completely done with a beautifully simple cedar and mahogany frame. It was amazing, and so well made. So he finished that up by evening time, Carrie came over, and the four of us had a nice dinner, and chatted the evening away.

Bradley and I had plans the next morning to pick up a steamer and take care of the couches, chair, and his car. We also planned to varnish the bed frame - a lot on the list! Unfortunately the day started out badly, and just got worse....I woke up early because the steamers are on a first come first serve basis. Bradley was having a little trouble waking up and I offered to go by myself. Instead, he rolled out of bed, and gave me the whopper of all grumpiness. Not much was going out way that morning, so it just kept getting worse with him being short with me.....I actually got mad at him and yelled at him a little. Well, not really yelled....but asked him why he was being such a jerk, and told him it sure wasn't fair that he was taking out his grumpies on me. He had also forgotten it was Mother's Day, so that threw a wrench in our plans - after we picked up the steamer, he headed up to his house to get his mom flowers and take her out to breakfast. Since we were in a little tiff, he took his sweet time actually coming back to the house, and by the time he did, I had already steamed the couch, the chair, and done the first coat of varnish on the bed frame. I was exhausted, and disappointed that he wasn't there to help.

So after the work was done, we decided to head over the Carrie and Justin's to swim in their awesome pool, but we had a few errands to run first. Well, none of those went well, and in the meantime the back window of the 4runner got stuck in the down position and wouldn't go back up. Bradley was extremely frustrated, and both his and my moods continued to tank. After a lot of car juggling, we finally parked the 4runner in my garage so it would be safe, and decided to still head over to Carrie and Justin's - 3 hours late. We ended up having an awesome time over there, swimming and sitting in the hot tub. Then we got Jack in the Box, set up the bed frame, and crashed watching a movie. It was a nice end to a really horrible day.

I thought things would be a bit better Monday, but they weren't. Same grumpy Bradley in the morning, then he was fine a little later, and then grumpy again at night. I had two massages scheduled for that evening after work, and wasn't done until almost 9pm, so I was exhausted and just couldn't keep up with his moods.

I was still reeling yesterday morning from his mood swings, and was really preoccupied with it, but trying to avoid a conversation about it so I could just make it to work. So while I was drying my hair, he was laying on the bed waiting for me, and he says oh so sarcastically, "what's wrong with you this morning?".....I wheeled on him, gave him my most "oh no you DIDN'T" look, and let him know just how I was feeling. Ultimately, he admitted that his behavior was off because he has been so busy and so much had gone wrong in the past week - I told him how much his grumpiness and shortness with me affects my mood and how much it upsets me...I let him know that I should be the person he comes to for help, not takes out his frustrations on....and he just sat there like a scolded child. "I don't know what to say". I asked him if there was anything he needed from me, if there was anything I could do to help, and he said no. Honestly the conversation itself made me feel so helpless.

Here's the reality - I know that I own some of the issues we had over the weekend. I'm naturally a happy person, and I'm also a very selfish being. So when Bradley is gruff with me, my first reaction is to ask what's wrong, offer help, but if he rebuffs me, or is short with me in any way, I shut down. I stop being compassionate, and I get indignant and self-righteous immediately. I have no patience with grumpiness. And once I'm 'offended', I'm very stubborn about pulling out of that mood. I really don't know how to stop this knee-jerk reaction, but I do need to work on it. Truly and honestly, the reason behind his attitude is because he's struggling, he's overwhelmed.....and he doesn't have the same coping mechanisms I do. SO, my conclusion is that we both have something to work on....he sure as shit shouldn't dump his frustrations on me in that way, he needs to learn how to ask for help. I need to approach the situation with more compassion and patience.

This doesn't happen very often, so I know it's not a make or break. And because it doesn't happen very often, it will probably take us a long time before we can handle times of trial with ease together. I need to be patient. He's worth it.

Yesterday he called me in the evening to apologize. He said he was sorry, and that he didn't want to make me feel the way he has been. It's amazing how far an apology can go. He did, however, sleep at his house last night - our first night apart in months. It was a bit of a relief in a strange way. I was initially a little hurt that he would decide to spend a night away, but quickly realized it was kind of silly. We spend every night together, and we have been up in each other's business, it's good to take a breather now and again, actually remember what makes us whole as individuals and together. I went to the gym, watched a movie he wouldn't like, took a bath, organized some files, and gave myself a pedicure. Things I should be doing even when he's around, but I get so dazzled by being with him that I forget....

I always have a need to "process" these issues....I feel so much better after having written all this down. It's amazing the power we have in ourselves to resolve our own emotional turmoil, to gain perspective.