I'm the Dude

And not in a white russian sort of way.

I essentially found out last night that when it comes to the interpersonal relationship I have with my boyfriend, our gender roles are reversed in some ways. I also realized that Bradley is a lot nicer than me. And that I need to get down off my self-righteous box of soap and learn what it means to really, truly put someone else's needs first.

I really didn't understand how much the problems in his life had escalated. I didn't know because he didn't tell me. I was supposed to know, and I was supposed to lend a hand without him having to ask me. Does that sound like a typically female assertion or what? As much as that sounds irrational on paper, it is true that I haven't been paying attention. To a certain extent, I should have been more aware of how much he was getting frustrated and overextended, and recognize that he needed me....instead, I took it personally, and exaggerated in my mind an environment where I was being mistreated.

In this respect, having had no relationship for such a long period of time was a detriment. I pride myself in my ability to communicate, and really get to the heart of issues, and solve problems talking things out, working through issues, make everything right, etc. I need to disregard my rational pragmatism and get back in touch with my compassion. I need to swallow that pride, shut up, and listen.

Last night, at one point at the end of a heated (though productive) conversation, he expressed to me that right now he feels broken. Physically and mentally. I felt so small....so sad. So disappointed in myself that I would have spent so much time in the last week worrying about how he had 'wronged' me.

Stepping away from all this.....none of the difficulties we've had in the last week are life or death. It's just magnified by our differing communication styles, something that I think will continue to improve as we work through these kinds of speed bumps. And as I mentioned before, they don't happen very often, so it may be a while before we find our mutual compromise. Patience, Whitney. It's a virtue and all that.

I think this is universe's way of preparing me to be a mother.