And not in a white russian sort of way.
I essentially found out last night that when it comes to the interpersonal relationship I have with my boyfriend, our gender roles are reversed in some ways. I also realized that Bradley is a lot nicer than me. And that I need to get down off my self-righteous box of soap and learn what it means to really, truly put someone else's needs first.
I really didn't understand how much the problems in his life had escalated. I didn't know because he didn't tell me. I was supposed to know, and I was supposed to lend a hand without him having to ask me. Does that sound like a typically female assertion or what? As much as that sounds irrational on paper, it is true that I haven't been paying attention. To a certain extent, I should have been more aware of how much he was getting frustrated and overextended, and recognize that he needed me....instead, I took it personally, and exaggerated in my mind an environment where I was being mistreated.
In this respect, having had no relationship for such a long period of time was a detriment. I pride myself in my ability to communicate, and really get to the heart of issues, and solve problems talking things out, working through issues, make everything right, etc. I need to disregard my rational pragmatism and get back in touch with my compassion. I need to swallow that pride, shut up, and listen.
Last night, at one point at the end of a heated (though productive) conversation, he expressed to me that right now he feels broken. Physically and mentally. I felt so small....so sad. So disappointed in myself that I would have spent so much time in the last week worrying about how he had 'wronged' me.
Stepping away from all this.....none of the difficulties we've had in the last week are life or death. It's just magnified by our differing communication styles, something that I think will continue to improve as we work through these kinds of speed bumps. And as I mentioned before, they don't happen very often, so it may be a while before we find our mutual compromise. Patience, Whitney. It's a virtue and all that.
I think this is universe's way of preparing me to be a mother.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Doubt
I watched Doubt last night. I had no idea it was a play first. I was watching the Special Features afterward, and listening to these accomplished actors talk about the play as well, and I was so overcome with the longing for theater.
If you haven't seen the movie Doubt, see it. What a heartfelt, provocative, edgy, and surprising script. And with that cast....I watched the entire movie like I was in a 100 seat theater, on the edge of my seat the entire time. I have long admired Phillip Seymour Hoffman, and in my opinion he is one of the greatest actors of this generation. Put him next to Meryl Streep who is without a Doubt one of the most humanizing actresses to grace the screen and stage.....it was a powerful, moving bit of film.
As I watched the interviews with the actors, I was pulled right back into the love I have always had for the art of acting. This movie reinvigorated my passion for the craft, and made me realize that I have missed the theater in my life in the last few years.
There are a lot of little milestones I need to hit here before I am settled enough to even think about auditioning for a production, but I am putting it back on my horizon.
If you haven't seen the movie Doubt, see it. What a heartfelt, provocative, edgy, and surprising script. And with that cast....I watched the entire movie like I was in a 100 seat theater, on the edge of my seat the entire time. I have long admired Phillip Seymour Hoffman, and in my opinion he is one of the greatest actors of this generation. Put him next to Meryl Streep who is without a Doubt one of the most humanizing actresses to grace the screen and stage.....it was a powerful, moving bit of film.
As I watched the interviews with the actors, I was pulled right back into the love I have always had for the art of acting. This movie reinvigorated my passion for the craft, and made me realize that I have missed the theater in my life in the last few years.
There are a lot of little milestones I need to hit here before I am settled enough to even think about auditioning for a production, but I am putting it back on my horizon.
Trying to Recover
It's been a bit of a roller coaster this past weekend and through today so far. Lots of ups and downs, and I'm not "handling it very well", as my good friend Rachel Green would say.
Starting with Saturday, I woke up to a very grumpy Bradley, who was not at all pleased to be waking up early. More and more lately he has been inconsolably grumpy in the mornings, and it was starting to take it's toll on me. I get so upset when he is grumpy, and I'm trying hard not to take it personally, but it really does affect my mood and my ability to interact with him. Then I get mad - I just get so frustrated when my questions and offers to help are greeted with gruff one word answers. So Saturday I had no patience for his grumpiness, and kind of snapped at him. I was very happy to head out and meet up with Carrie for an adventure.
We had an AMAZING trip up to Kapalua Adventures to do the zip line. It was such an awesome experience, and I'm glad that I got to do that with Carrie (for really cheap!). We had a blast hanging out together as we usually do. Plus it was just so nice to get out of town, change of scenery. We started with breakfast in the Cafe there, and that was superb! Then we got geared up and headed up the mountain to the zip line course. It was totally exhilerating and magical, in some places soaring 300ft above bamboo forests. It made me feel like I might be more able to skydive. Maybe. After the zip line tour, we headed to Lahaina for lunch at Mala Ocean Tavern. That was lovely! I wished that I could have just kept hanging out with Carrie all day, we were having such a great time together.
Instead I went up to Bradley's and hung out with him for a little bit at his house before heading home to meet up with Justin. He was at my house building me a bed frame!! I couldn't believe the time and care he had put into it - I had told him I needed to comission one earlier last week, and here he was almost completely done with a beautifully simple cedar and mahogany frame. It was amazing, and so well made. So he finished that up by evening time, Carrie came over, and the four of us had a nice dinner, and chatted the evening away.
Bradley and I had plans the next morning to pick up a steamer and take care of the couches, chair, and his car. We also planned to varnish the bed frame - a lot on the list! Unfortunately the day started out badly, and just got worse....I woke up early because the steamers are on a first come first serve basis. Bradley was having a little trouble waking up and I offered to go by myself. Instead, he rolled out of bed, and gave me the whopper of all grumpiness. Not much was going out way that morning, so it just kept getting worse with him being short with me.....I actually got mad at him and yelled at him a little. Well, not really yelled....but asked him why he was being such a jerk, and told him it sure wasn't fair that he was taking out his grumpies on me. He had also forgotten it was Mother's Day, so that threw a wrench in our plans - after we picked up the steamer, he headed up to his house to get his mom flowers and take her out to breakfast. Since we were in a little tiff, he took his sweet time actually coming back to the house, and by the time he did, I had already steamed the couch, the chair, and done the first coat of varnish on the bed frame. I was exhausted, and disappointed that he wasn't there to help.
So after the work was done, we decided to head over the Carrie and Justin's to swim in their awesome pool, but we had a few errands to run first. Well, none of those went well, and in the meantime the back window of the 4runner got stuck in the down position and wouldn't go back up. Bradley was extremely frustrated, and both his and my moods continued to tank. After a lot of car juggling, we finally parked the 4runner in my garage so it would be safe, and decided to still head over to Carrie and Justin's - 3 hours late. We ended up having an awesome time over there, swimming and sitting in the hot tub. Then we got Jack in the Box, set up the bed frame, and crashed watching a movie. It was a nice end to a really horrible day.
I thought things would be a bit better Monday, but they weren't. Same grumpy Bradley in the morning, then he was fine a little later, and then grumpy again at night. I had two massages scheduled for that evening after work, and wasn't done until almost 9pm, so I was exhausted and just couldn't keep up with his moods.
I was still reeling yesterday morning from his mood swings, and was really preoccupied with it, but trying to avoid a conversation about it so I could just make it to work. So while I was drying my hair, he was laying on the bed waiting for me, and he says oh so sarcastically, "what's wrong with you this morning?".....I wheeled on him, gave him my most "oh no you DIDN'T" look, and let him know just how I was feeling. Ultimately, he admitted that his behavior was off because he has been so busy and so much had gone wrong in the past week - I told him how much his grumpiness and shortness with me affects my mood and how much it upsets me...I let him know that I should be the person he comes to for help, not takes out his frustrations on....and he just sat there like a scolded child. "I don't know what to say". I asked him if there was anything he needed from me, if there was anything I could do to help, and he said no. Honestly the conversation itself made me feel so helpless.
Here's the reality - I know that I own some of the issues we had over the weekend. I'm naturally a happy person, and I'm also a very selfish being. So when Bradley is gruff with me, my first reaction is to ask what's wrong, offer help, but if he rebuffs me, or is short with me in any way, I shut down. I stop being compassionate, and I get indignant and self-righteous immediately. I have no patience with grumpiness. And once I'm 'offended', I'm very stubborn about pulling out of that mood. I really don't know how to stop this knee-jerk reaction, but I do need to work on it. Truly and honestly, the reason behind his attitude is because he's struggling, he's overwhelmed.....and he doesn't have the same coping mechanisms I do. SO, my conclusion is that we both have something to work on....he sure as shit shouldn't dump his frustrations on me in that way, he needs to learn how to ask for help. I need to approach the situation with more compassion and patience.
This doesn't happen very often, so I know it's not a make or break. And because it doesn't happen very often, it will probably take us a long time before we can handle times of trial with ease together. I need to be patient. He's worth it.
Yesterday he called me in the evening to apologize. He said he was sorry, and that he didn't want to make me feel the way he has been. It's amazing how far an apology can go. He did, however, sleep at his house last night - our first night apart in months. It was a bit of a relief in a strange way. I was initially a little hurt that he would decide to spend a night away, but quickly realized it was kind of silly. We spend every night together, and we have been up in each other's business, it's good to take a breather now and again, actually remember what makes us whole as individuals and together. I went to the gym, watched a movie he wouldn't like, took a bath, organized some files, and gave myself a pedicure. Things I should be doing even when he's around, but I get so dazzled by being with him that I forget....
I always have a need to "process" these issues....I feel so much better after having written all this down. It's amazing the power we have in ourselves to resolve our own emotional turmoil, to gain perspective.
Starting with Saturday, I woke up to a very grumpy Bradley, who was not at all pleased to be waking up early. More and more lately he has been inconsolably grumpy in the mornings, and it was starting to take it's toll on me. I get so upset when he is grumpy, and I'm trying hard not to take it personally, but it really does affect my mood and my ability to interact with him. Then I get mad - I just get so frustrated when my questions and offers to help are greeted with gruff one word answers. So Saturday I had no patience for his grumpiness, and kind of snapped at him. I was very happy to head out and meet up with Carrie for an adventure.
We had an AMAZING trip up to Kapalua Adventures to do the zip line. It was such an awesome experience, and I'm glad that I got to do that with Carrie (for really cheap!). We had a blast hanging out together as we usually do. Plus it was just so nice to get out of town, change of scenery. We started with breakfast in the Cafe there, and that was superb! Then we got geared up and headed up the mountain to the zip line course. It was totally exhilerating and magical, in some places soaring 300ft above bamboo forests. It made me feel like I might be more able to skydive. Maybe. After the zip line tour, we headed to Lahaina for lunch at Mala Ocean Tavern. That was lovely! I wished that I could have just kept hanging out with Carrie all day, we were having such a great time together.
Instead I went up to Bradley's and hung out with him for a little bit at his house before heading home to meet up with Justin. He was at my house building me a bed frame!! I couldn't believe the time and care he had put into it - I had told him I needed to comission one earlier last week, and here he was almost completely done with a beautifully simple cedar and mahogany frame. It was amazing, and so well made. So he finished that up by evening time, Carrie came over, and the four of us had a nice dinner, and chatted the evening away.
Bradley and I had plans the next morning to pick up a steamer and take care of the couches, chair, and his car. We also planned to varnish the bed frame - a lot on the list! Unfortunately the day started out badly, and just got worse....I woke up early because the steamers are on a first come first serve basis. Bradley was having a little trouble waking up and I offered to go by myself. Instead, he rolled out of bed, and gave me the whopper of all grumpiness. Not much was going out way that morning, so it just kept getting worse with him being short with me.....I actually got mad at him and yelled at him a little. Well, not really yelled....but asked him why he was being such a jerk, and told him it sure wasn't fair that he was taking out his grumpies on me. He had also forgotten it was Mother's Day, so that threw a wrench in our plans - after we picked up the steamer, he headed up to his house to get his mom flowers and take her out to breakfast. Since we were in a little tiff, he took his sweet time actually coming back to the house, and by the time he did, I had already steamed the couch, the chair, and done the first coat of varnish on the bed frame. I was exhausted, and disappointed that he wasn't there to help.
So after the work was done, we decided to head over the Carrie and Justin's to swim in their awesome pool, but we had a few errands to run first. Well, none of those went well, and in the meantime the back window of the 4runner got stuck in the down position and wouldn't go back up. Bradley was extremely frustrated, and both his and my moods continued to tank. After a lot of car juggling, we finally parked the 4runner in my garage so it would be safe, and decided to still head over to Carrie and Justin's - 3 hours late. We ended up having an awesome time over there, swimming and sitting in the hot tub. Then we got Jack in the Box, set up the bed frame, and crashed watching a movie. It was a nice end to a really horrible day.
I thought things would be a bit better Monday, but they weren't. Same grumpy Bradley in the morning, then he was fine a little later, and then grumpy again at night. I had two massages scheduled for that evening after work, and wasn't done until almost 9pm, so I was exhausted and just couldn't keep up with his moods.
I was still reeling yesterday morning from his mood swings, and was really preoccupied with it, but trying to avoid a conversation about it so I could just make it to work. So while I was drying my hair, he was laying on the bed waiting for me, and he says oh so sarcastically, "what's wrong with you this morning?".....I wheeled on him, gave him my most "oh no you DIDN'T" look, and let him know just how I was feeling. Ultimately, he admitted that his behavior was off because he has been so busy and so much had gone wrong in the past week - I told him how much his grumpiness and shortness with me affects my mood and how much it upsets me...I let him know that I should be the person he comes to for help, not takes out his frustrations on....and he just sat there like a scolded child. "I don't know what to say". I asked him if there was anything he needed from me, if there was anything I could do to help, and he said no. Honestly the conversation itself made me feel so helpless.
Here's the reality - I know that I own some of the issues we had over the weekend. I'm naturally a happy person, and I'm also a very selfish being. So when Bradley is gruff with me, my first reaction is to ask what's wrong, offer help, but if he rebuffs me, or is short with me in any way, I shut down. I stop being compassionate, and I get indignant and self-righteous immediately. I have no patience with grumpiness. And once I'm 'offended', I'm very stubborn about pulling out of that mood. I really don't know how to stop this knee-jerk reaction, but I do need to work on it. Truly and honestly, the reason behind his attitude is because he's struggling, he's overwhelmed.....and he doesn't have the same coping mechanisms I do. SO, my conclusion is that we both have something to work on....he sure as shit shouldn't dump his frustrations on me in that way, he needs to learn how to ask for help. I need to approach the situation with more compassion and patience.
This doesn't happen very often, so I know it's not a make or break. And because it doesn't happen very often, it will probably take us a long time before we can handle times of trial with ease together. I need to be patient. He's worth it.
Yesterday he called me in the evening to apologize. He said he was sorry, and that he didn't want to make me feel the way he has been. It's amazing how far an apology can go. He did, however, sleep at his house last night - our first night apart in months. It was a bit of a relief in a strange way. I was initially a little hurt that he would decide to spend a night away, but quickly realized it was kind of silly. We spend every night together, and we have been up in each other's business, it's good to take a breather now and again, actually remember what makes us whole as individuals and together. I went to the gym, watched a movie he wouldn't like, took a bath, organized some files, and gave myself a pedicure. Things I should be doing even when he's around, but I get so dazzled by being with him that I forget....
I always have a need to "process" these issues....I feel so much better after having written all this down. It's amazing the power we have in ourselves to resolve our own emotional turmoil, to gain perspective.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
It's De-Lightful, It's De-Liscious, It's De-Kidney
So I saw the doctor on Monday - I have a kidney infection (which, unbeknownst to me, is just another form of a UTI, who knew?).
I've never had one before, and now I'm mentioning this to a few people, turns out they happen all the time, and almost everyone I know has had one. I guess I've been lucky the last 31 years. Unfortunately, since I didn't know what was going on, and I waited so long to head to doctor, it had gotten pretty advanced. On Monday when I went in, my right kidney was screaming at me. The doctor gave me the antibiotic, and some pain pills, and told me to go get some cranberry concentrate. She thought the pain should be gone within a day. It hasn't - and it basically just gets worse as the day goes on. Today I'm going home relatively early to put my feet up and see if that helps it any. If it isn't better by tomorrow, I'm going back to the doc.
At least now I know the signs of this ridiculous malady, and I hopefully won't ever have to go through this again.
I still haven't taken "after" pictures of the house - there is so much to do, and I haven't worked on it at all in the last few days. Patience my friends.....I WILL put them up......
I've never had one before, and now I'm mentioning this to a few people, turns out they happen all the time, and almost everyone I know has had one. I guess I've been lucky the last 31 years. Unfortunately, since I didn't know what was going on, and I waited so long to head to doctor, it had gotten pretty advanced. On Monday when I went in, my right kidney was screaming at me. The doctor gave me the antibiotic, and some pain pills, and told me to go get some cranberry concentrate. She thought the pain should be gone within a day. It hasn't - and it basically just gets worse as the day goes on. Today I'm going home relatively early to put my feet up and see if that helps it any. If it isn't better by tomorrow, I'm going back to the doc.
At least now I know the signs of this ridiculous malady, and I hopefully won't ever have to go through this again.
I still haven't taken "after" pictures of the house - there is so much to do, and I haven't worked on it at all in the last few days. Patience my friends.....I WILL put them up......
Monday, May 4, 2009
Really? I mean, really?
I'm going to the doctor today. For some unknown reason, I have the uncontrollable urge to urinate all the time. Starting last Tuesday, i just all of the sudden have to pee at least once an hour, and the urge is now almost always there, tickling my nether regions. This has come hand in hand with a mild pain in my back (well, one night it was not so mild. It woke me and kept me up for about an hour). Symptoms point to kidney stones or a kidney infection. I am not pleased....I was so looking forward to getting back into my normal swing of life this week. I'm mostly moved in, with a few remaining projects around the new house, and my whole being just needed a sigh of relief this week. Oh-ho-ho, not so!
In other news, this potential ailment (whatever the eff it turns out to be) has refocused my need to eat healthier. Oh, that, and the fact that my fat slacks are too tight to wear to work. Eeeks! Anyway, I told myself that once I got the habit of the gym down, then I would move onto food. So here I am, moving onto food. Time to fix that. No more Chocolate Peanut Butter Ice Cream in the freezer, Bradley, sorry hon. It's on to fat free fruit bars for dessert. Hoping to shed a few unnecessary pounds before Nicool's wedding, where I will be making a complete fool of myself to Beyonce's anthem.
I don't know why I've let them go, but my fingernails are totally long. I didn't do Jace's massage last week because I was moving, and they have just gotten longer and longer. They look really nice, but they're annoying the hell out of me. Once you get used to keeping your fingernails short....ew, they get dirt under them so easily.
I need to put up some pictures of the new house here, but it takes a while to upload photos onto this blogger, and I have a lot. I need to figure out a way to link up to another picture program, but the thought of creating another account online just makes me want to poke out my own eyeballs right now.
Ug...please don't be diabetes. Please don't be a kidney stone. I'm really sick of the health dramas.
In other news, this potential ailment (whatever the eff it turns out to be) has refocused my need to eat healthier. Oh, that, and the fact that my fat slacks are too tight to wear to work. Eeeks! Anyway, I told myself that once I got the habit of the gym down, then I would move onto food. So here I am, moving onto food. Time to fix that. No more Chocolate Peanut Butter Ice Cream in the freezer, Bradley, sorry hon. It's on to fat free fruit bars for dessert. Hoping to shed a few unnecessary pounds before Nicool's wedding, where I will be making a complete fool of myself to Beyonce's anthem.
I don't know why I've let them go, but my fingernails are totally long. I didn't do Jace's massage last week because I was moving, and they have just gotten longer and longer. They look really nice, but they're annoying the hell out of me. Once you get used to keeping your fingernails short....ew, they get dirt under them so easily.
I need to put up some pictures of the new house here, but it takes a while to upload photos onto this blogger, and I have a lot. I need to figure out a way to link up to another picture program, but the thought of creating another account online just makes me want to poke out my own eyeballs right now.
Ug...please don't be diabetes. Please don't be a kidney stone. I'm really sick of the health dramas.
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